Love crosses oceans

"International adoption? Are you crazy?"

Yes, we are adopting again and yes we may be crazy. 😉 

Before I start we want you to hear this: when we adopt, it's God's idea.

We are not adopting because we think we can save the world- Jesus already did that and until He returns we will live in a broken world with sin.

 We do not think we are somehow superior parents and have it all figured out. We are sinners and have sinful children just like anyone else and we have to strive everyday to point them to Jesus. We are learning along with them how to get rid of pride and selfishness...and to choose daily to ‘die’ to ourselves and make having love and compassion for others a priority. I love this quote by Jonathon Edwards "We contribute nothing to our salvation except the sin that made it necessary." So we just want it to be clear it is out of God's love and what He has already done for us that changes our hearts and breaks our hearts for what breaks His. In this we can take no credit. 

And no we don’t think everyone is called to foster/adopt, but our family is at this time. I do believe we are all called to care for orphans, widows, and the oppressed, and I don’t need to clarify all the different ways that can manifest. That’s why it’s called the BODY of Christ. We all have a role and it looks different for everyone. We're passionate about the least of these and we believe God cares deeply for them, so yes we want as many loving families as possible to step up and care for them and I will likely talk about it to bring awareness to it until the day I die.....but more than that we know each of us will stand before God one day face to face, so we pray each of us as individuals will have a close relationship with God where we listen to the Holy Spirit and act obediently to whatever it is He calls us to do. That’s what makes the body of Christ beautiful. 

So here we go with a little bit of the back story, we've known God wasn't done for a while and for the past two years have known that He was leading us to this..we just didn't know what the path would look like. God did specifically lay some details on our hearts about adopting a 'waiting child', but I will explain that further another time.😊 We have spent a lot of time in prayer and looking into all of our options waiting for God to reveal to us which path.

When we first looked into adoption at age 22 we didn't qualify to adopt internationally due to age. Clearly foster care was undoubtedly where God led us to Sean and where he called us to stay for the past 5 years. As our reassessment came due this year a series of events triggered us to pause and realize God may have different plans. The first was seeing with our own eyes the extreme poverty of a 3rd world country back in January- when we saw kids the same age as ours digging through a landfill for food it deeply affected us. Though nothing seemed great about the timing we knew God was calling us to pursue international adoption. The biggest roadblock seemed to be that on one income we couldn't afford to adopt internationally. 

Yeah, how ridiculous of us to tell the God of all the universe with infinite resources that we don't have what we need to follow His calling. 

That's when conviction started laying on our hearts. We realized when it came to buying a house or purchasing a car we didn't think twice about taking out a loan or dropping a big amount of cash to invest in it. Why would we think a child's life is not worth the 'investment'? An actual priceless soul that God calls us to love as we love ourselves. What lengths would I want someone to go if that was me or one of my precious children to make sure we had a safe place with unconditional love to call home. So yes we fully trust God will make a way and provide.... and we will do whatever He asks on our part if it means working extra jobs, selling one of our vehicles/returning to a one vehicle family, cutting back anywhere we can to make it possible.

We already knew one of the main questions we'd get is why international adoption? The answer to that could be different for each family, but for us personally here are the reasons:

1. God clearly called us to. That’s where our child is plain and simple. Trust me we tried to deny it and give excuses at first. Foster care had become familiar and we wanted to stay there. However, when you pray for God's will and for Him to speak to you be ready to accept it whether or not it makes sense. We pray we always stay in tune with the Holy Spirit and when he says something we obey. 
2. As previously mentioned this was a big one for us. The circumstances of orphans in underdeveloped countries is drastically different than the US foster care system. Yes, I'm passionate about foster care - always will be and God willing it will be in our future again. For us the reality that orphans in many countries are not guaranteed food, education, access to healthcare, or clean water for that matter is one of our biggest motivators. Like it or not even the poorest people in the US would be considered wealthy by the standards of most of the world. We do not ever want a child to become an orphan strictly due to poverty if they have a loving family....so we do what we can to support/advocate for children financially to stay in loving families. However, there are many orphans and no denying that they are children who do not just need money, but need a family that will love them unconditionally. 

This quote explains so much of how we feel-

"I admit the orphan crisis is completely overwhelming, the numbers are astounding. It's an ocean-sized problem and we are standing on the shore unsure what to do. But I know the answer. The answer is seeing 'the one'. The 'one' is the child sitting without a family. Because when we look at the whole, we lose sight of the 'one'. 

And what it can never be about, is money, borders or politics. It cannot be about the multitude of numbers or the politics of the day. It must be about the 'one'. The simple picture of one child with a family-sized hole waiting to be filled. 

The following was spoken at the 2013 CAFO Summit by a 30 year old man who aged out of an orphanage where he lived his whole life:

"When I grew up in the orphanage it was Christians who came and built nicer buildings. Christians who bought us beds, clothing and provided money monthly for food. It was a Christian, who wrote a letter in a shoebox, who first told me I was loved. It was the Christians who met all my physical and material needs in that orphanage."

"But it was also Christians who neglected my biggest need. Children in orphanages don't need more money, nicer buildings or better clothes. I am not an orphan because I lost my home or provisions. I am an orphan because I lost my parents. I needed a mom and a dad. I needed a family. Christians treated all my temporary symptoms of need but never cured my longterm disease of being orphan. I am still an orphan."

Lastly, it makes me a little sad to need to add this last part but, it seems necessary because as we have shared where God is leading us in the past we have met some discouraging words. We faced some opposition when we first started foster care, when we initially announced adopting Sean, when we decided to open our home again after his adoption was final, when we decided to take in a teen and her baby, and now this.  I've already grieved the fact that adding a child through fostering or adoption isn’t always welcomed like a child is from your womb. And don’t think I don’t realize the heartache/loss that is wrapped in adoption, but every child deserves to be wanted and celebrated regardless of how they enter your family. We really wish you could know our hearts on this, yet everyone can't intimately know our life, but God does....and each step of obedience has brought us more true joy, faith, and made our marriage and family that much stronger. We are so glad we didn't take any other path. We can look back now and see God's hand in it all!

I don't want to leave out how truly grateful we are to everyone who has been so supportive over the years- we have been truly blessed by so many of you! We also realize the ones who tried to discourage us did it out of love and concern.

Yet, in the end it doesn't matter what we (or anyone else) *think* is best for our lives. We've really had to do some soul searching asking ourselves do we really want to follow our mere finite human perspective on what we think we should do and how we could have our *best* life.......or do we want to entrust it into the hands of the all-knowing, all-powerful, loving Heavenly Father who created us weaving every detail together that He will do what's best if we're obedient? I have seen God come through again and again...and yes there has been suffering on the roads he has asked us to walk, but I can see how it was ultimately for our good (Romans 5:3-5).

We now know we get to experience joy in another opportunity to humble ourselves to witness God's faithfulness and provision as He displays His glory on yet another adventure! 

When it comes down to it the only reason we live and have breath is for a relationship with God- to bring Him glory and praise Him - and we will do it in whatever manner He asks of us. We hope you all will join us in praying for the child God has for us and patience as we head down the long journey of bringing them home!

Maybe a little discontent can be holy?

God has really been working on me lately about being content and grateful in all circumstances. I'm not just talking about the big things, but the everyday little grumblings... Because I think those little things are a big thing to God and have a big effect on the state of our heart and attitude.

I mean even on our vacation in beautiful Cancun I had to try not to grumble when the first 2 days it poured rain ALL day and on the way home we missed our flight and were delayed...I mean how ridiculous to choose to gripe about details that weren't going the way I planned instead of focusing on the million things that were going right?

Like for starters hey we are all still breathing, right?

Also my answered prayer that Breyton did good on the flights and didn't scream( I mean we were even complimented by strangers on his behavior the 1st flight). Or that we all arrived safely and had the opportunity to soak in the amazingly gorgeous view of one of Gods masterpieces! The water could not have been bluer or more beautiful.

I mean really if Mason and I had more than 3 beautiful days of sunshine I can only imagine the sunburn we could have had to endure:)

I want my children to grow up seeing a mom who can see God in any circumstance good or bad...big or small.

Though their will always be something to gripe about I want to choose to grumble less, especially in front of these precious little 'sponges' (aka toddlers) that soak in everything we do...so when we are running late, when its so dang windy(like today!!), when our food order is incorrect, when I can't find the keys yet again, when everyone and everything is on my nerves I can ask God to help me glorify him in that moment.

I happened to read this in my daily devotional the other day as God always sends the perfect one to my email the day I need to read it--seriously true story:)

"We live in a world with more choices and opportunities for distraction than any other. Our environment is success driven and goal oriented as we constantly reach for "more." However, this constant strife often leads to weariness and discontent. So, we often work harder to find a little piece of contentment. However, there is a problem with this battle. This earth is not our home. We cannot-should not-ever be completely content here. I believe the Spirit fills us with a holy discontent. Any happiness here is a shadow of the glory to be revealed in Christ. Therefore, let us not neglect the things of God and store up riches in heaven. One day, maybe with a phone call, the things of this world will be taken from us. But our work for the Lord and our treasures in heaven will endure for eternity. "

I believe what the writer is saying is that God can give us a sense of peace and contentment only found in Him, but as for the things of this world we will never be content and it will never ever ever EVER be 'enough'.

 I like the idea that this is 'holy discontent' and that it will serve as a reminder that this earth is not our home. We endure this race for the end prize that awaits us in heaven.

Because this apartment (nor future bigger home) will never stay organized, the dishes and laundry are never caught up, and all the clothes and possessions will never satisfy.

After all don't we usually hear those with the most money or possessions often are the least happy or satisfied? I can actually believe it. Sometimes I find myself driving by the crazy huge mansions in Edmond and actually feel sorry for those living in it. Not that a 4,000+ sq ft house is in and of itself a sin....but I'm fooling myself if I think our next house or even my dream house would make us content.

Love how this anonymous person said it:)- "I'm just like that, spiritually. My world is so small, my vision so limited, my depravity so complete. I often don't see things from God's perspective, making me proud and boastful of my paltry possessions, unable or uninterested in seeing the potential of what I could have. I'm comparing houses while God has a mansion waiting for me."

I want to spend my time filling myself up with the One who will satisfy and spend less time thinking about our next big purchase or complaining about ordinary daily tasks or annoyances that will never go away until we are truly Home.

~


Here we are soaked with rain the 1st day and focusing on keeping smiles on our faces! And by the way we were blessed with an amazing trip despite a few minor hiccups:)

What adoption is to me.

Big things have been happening. Mostly VERY exciting things for my little family, but reactions others have had are disappointing to me. I also believe they are disappointing to Christ. I've had too much on my heart and mind to even write lately. I couldn't quite figure out how to put everything I'm feeling into words.

I'm writing this to hopefully clarify where we stand and why we will not be moved.

There are those in our lives who are misunderstanding what adoption is and why we want to be a part of it. Apparently some think we are adopting just because we want to. And they may even think this is a bad decision. That somehow we may ruin our lives. There within lies the problem....

We are adopting because God calls us to. Period.

No ones opinion will change that. Very thorough thought, prayer, and research went into every step of this decision. Short term and LONG term. It is happening, so you might as well get on board or at least move out of the way.

As much as I hate that not everyone shares the same joy we have I can not bare the thought of being anywhere but in the center of God's will. My 'need' for acceptance from others pales greatly in comparison to my view on God's opinion of me. Yes, there are a lot of potentially 'scary' outcomes with the adoption process. It will be hard....but there will be joy. There will be hurt...but there will be healing.

What adoption is to me: Being blessed with a child and a gift of life that we do not deserve. Along with the responsibility to love, nurture, guide, and discipline precious little lives with the wisdom God alone gives. There is pain in adoption, especially for the child, because at the root of it there was rejection....that's what can make the ending so much more beautiful.

What adoption is not to me: finding a cute, loving, and perfect child who will be forever grateful for the 'sacrifice' I made for them.

There is no perfect child.

It's definitely not about how they look on the outside and how they will make your family look...it's about who they are and what they need. All children are looking for someone who will meet there most basic needs and needing someone to love them unconditionally. They all deserve that-no matter their skin color, gender, age, or health.

Adoption allows us to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. All involved are equally blessed for the family receiving a precious addition and for the child receiving the gift of a family. I have no doubt that my family will forever be changed by what is in store. Breyton's life will forever be different. To have our eyes opened in ways we can not undo and to experience first hand what God is capable of when we open the book of our lives and allow Him to script every page.

Honestly because of that I have a joy that can not be stifled by negative comments.

Because adoption is redemption, it's healing, it's beautiful, it's love.

Disclaimer: I do want to give credit for all the wonderful people we do have around us! So many have supported us every step of the way. I am so very grateful for each and every one of you. There is no fear where the will of God takes you and many know that is the best place for us to be!

Restless.

 

This is kind of long.

I've been feeling restless the past few days. Oddly enough writing has become an outlet for me(and if you knew me before you know how odd this is because I used to HATE writing.) Though tonight I have a hard time even putting it into words...I just know God is up to something.

I've felt like God is asking more. More of my heart. More of my life. God and I have this conversation quite often over the past it seems. I always do have good intentions! I really do intend to start living different....to start living more as Jesus has called me as a disciple. Usually I do make some changes, but none of them are ever as big as I feel He, my King, is asking of me.

Possibly asking of all of us.

So long story short, after God and I have these conversations, given some time I eventually 'forget' what God really wanted.....I get caught up in life again and I realize how hard it is to really live differently when surrounded by the 'American dream'. I get back in my complacency, the comfort, the ease, of just going a long with everyone around me. Just trying to be a little "spiritually above" the average person, so that I might feel better about myself. Oh, it's so terribly wrong. It may make me feel better, but God is not comparing me to anyone else and giving me credit for doing a teeny bit more. He is looking at what He has asked of ME and whether or not I'm available and saying "yes".

I sat here and cried today thinking about how Jesus would have lived if He was walking this earth in the 21st century.... then repenting for all my selfishness. Also,trying to rationalize and come up with all these excuses for why I hold myself back when I truly trust and believe in God. Why, is it so hard to let go of what this world has to offer? When God stands before us offering us everything we need for all eternity!

I realize it's a daily battle- not one I'm going to just 'win' and never have to look back. So don't be watching me because I will fail at times and I'm going to be far from getting it all right. It is going to be a daily process of picking up my cross and laying down what the world tries to put in my hands. It's going to be in every choice, in every word I say, every emotion I feel, every action I choose.....but I'm not going to be doing this in my own power My Savior, My Redeemer has already defeated this world and through Him we have the same power.

In my restless 'searching' God led me to this other blog post which I now want to share with you. God has not shown me what all He has planned for my life and nor do I think I will get to see the big picture ahead of time. He has shown me I don't need a '5 year plan', actually my 5 year plan may have been what has been holding me back. Right now I know our future includes foster care and adoption and only He knows the rest of the details. I just need to wake up each day tuned in to what He has in store for that day and be ready to follow His leading.

I encourage you to read more on this girls story, who wrote this post, it's hard not to be shaken up just a little. She is 22 years old and God is already leaving an amazing legacy through her willingness. As we all know we are not ALL called to move to Africa(or fill in the blank to some other foreign country) to serve God fully....probably most of us are not, but I bet we all need to be striving to do a little more right where we are at!

(There is a whole story behind this blog post and you can follow the link to read more..)

 HERE is the link back to her full original post and blog...and below I have an excerpt that really spoke to me:

"A few days ago an American woman who had spent about three days of her life in a third world country looked at me and said, “I would SO love to do what you do. I would do it in a heartbeat. Oh, I would take 14 kids in a second!” It is a good thing that I was having a graceful day, because I said, “Aw that’s nice.” But my not so graceful heart was angry. And the not so graceful voice in my head wanted to say to her, “Ok then, do it. I can have you 14 orphaned, abandoned, uncared for children tomorrow. So here is what you have to do: Quit school. Quit your job. Sell your stuff. Disobey and disappoint your parents. Break your little brother’s heart. Lose all but about a handful of friends because the rest of them think you have gone off the deep end. Break up with the love of your life. Move to a country where you know one person and none of the language. And when you are finished, I will be here waiting with your 14 children!” I wanted to ask her what was stopping her, knowing that the answer would be her comfort. I wanted to look at her and tell her that my life was full and joyful and WONDERFUL, but I also wanted to tell her to COUNT THE COST. Because my life IS full and joyful and wonderful, but it is NOT easy. My life is NOT glamorous. I do not expect it to be. I do not think that anything about carrying a cross was easy or glamorous either.

Which brings me to my point. I am not actually that angry about what that woman said, it was just an offhanded comment. But it got me to thinking… How many times do we grieve our sweet Savior’s heart because we refuse to COUNT THE COST? How many times do we choose comfort instead of the cross?

In my NIV Bible, the header above Luke 9:57-62 says, “The Cost of Following Jesus.” Here it is, plain and simple, laid out for us by the Lord. “As they were walking along the road, a man said to Jesus, “I will follow you wherever you go.” Jesus replied, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay His head.” He said to another man, “Follow me.” But the man replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my Father.” Jesus said to Him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Still another said, “I will follow you Lord, but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.” Jesus replied, “No one who puts His hand to the plow and looks back will be fit to enter the Kingdom of God.” THIS IS SERIOUS STUFF. A little later in Luke 14:25, “The Cost of Being a Disciple,” Jesus tells the crowds gathered around Him, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters – yes even his own life – he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry His cross and follow me cannot be my disciple. Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to complete it; everyone who sees it will ridicule him saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Will he not first consider if he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and ask for terms of peace. In the same way any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.”

In Luke, in the days of Jesus, He expected EVERYTHING of his disciples. Do we believe that He requires the same today? We sure don’t act like it. If you ever read my blog or have heard me speak then you have heard me reference Matthew 25, the parable of the sheep and the goats. Jesus basically looks straight at the crowd and tells them that when He comes back, those who have seen the needy and met their needs will come with Him to heaven. He also says that those who have seen the needy and done nothing will be sent away to “eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.” Right, hell. This is heavy, I know, but I believe that it is TRUE. I believe that the words of Jesus are timeless and therefore still apply to anyone desiring to be His follower today. (Oh, and in case you think you can get away with saying that you have not seen Jesus naked or hungry or thirsty or in need and therefore you are off the hook, let me help you. 30,000 children will die today because of hunger or preventable disease. There. Now you know. Now you are responsible too.) Faith without good deeds is DEAD, my friends. Yes, I believe fully in salvation by His grace alone. I do not believe that anything we do or work for will save us. I also believe that if we are indeed saved, meaning that He lives inside of us, we will desire to do what is pleasing to Him. That if we really love Him with all our hearts and all our strength, NOTHING will feel like sacrifice in light of the promise that one day we will get to be with Him forever. Automatically, we will help those in need, we will give our all, we will love our neighbor as our self, because our heart is aligned with His. But so many don’t. This then begs the question: If we are not walking in the words of Jesus, do we truly know Him? Do we really know and believe in the Jesus of the Bible. Because if we do, if we believe what He says is true, our lives will be powerfully, unimaginable, radically different than the lives of those around us. He requires EVERYTHING.

I wonder today if I had been one of the people listening to Jesus as He spoke in Luke 9 and 14, if Jesus would have convinced me to follow Him or if I would have walked away. I believe I would have really really wanted to say goodbye to my family. I wonder about “Christians” today. We wear Jesus on our T-shirts, we wear His cross around our neck and a bumper sticker with His name on it on our car. Have we just laid the foundation without being able to build the building? Does Jesus feel like I did when a woman I didn’t know told me she would love to do what I do, but I knew that she never would? Do we claim the precious name of Jesus Christ without counting the cost? Without being willing to REALLY give it all? And does Jesus, in His infinite grace, look at us and say, “Aw, that’s nice,” but really with the furry that he flipped over the tables in the temple wants to spit our lukewarm selves out of His mouth?

This is heavy on my heart. I have spent hours typing it to get the words out right and still I feel like I am rambling. If you would like more references on God’s heart for the poor, try Isaiah 56-58, Proverbs 14:31, 21:13, 28:27, Matthew 19:16- 30, Luke 6:20-25, 18:18, James 5:1… Please feel free to add more in your comments! If we believe that these words are true, the way we are living is not tolerable. How can we live in willful disobedience and claim to know Jesus Christ?

I do not claim to have the answers. I do not claim to be doing it right. I do claim to believe that the words of Jesus are absolutely true and apply to me, right now today. I want to give EVERYTHING, no matter the cost. NO MATTER THE COST. Because I believe that nothing is sacrifice in light of eternity with Christ.

Please take an hour of your time to listen to this sermon my David Platt of Birmingham, Alabama. I pray that it would drastically change your life: www.brookhills.org/media/series/radical"
~Kisses from Katie blogspot

Another chapter closed...excited for new begginings!

We close on the house at 10 am tomorrow! After many 'closing' delays we are excited it's here.

Of course we procrastinated on having house cleared out till the week of....so we FINALLY got everything completely out of every nook and cranny in our house. We have worked on it every single weekend since we 'moved' out October 1st.

It. was. never. ending.

Let's just say by this past Monday/Tuesday (which is our weekend) we were completely sick of everything. I just wanted to give it all away or throw it away depending. Obviously we can't need it since we've lived 2 months without it, right?!

Anyways, I was getting a fairly sour attititude towards it all after our second long drive to Shawnee to take a load down there for storage. Then God always has a way of putting you back in your place:) and making you look at the glass half full.  I was in the car alone for the hour drive down and a bunch of non-'coincidence' things happened. Pretty cool how one can go into the car grumbling about wasting yet another entire day moving 'junk'....then shortly after come out praising God that we have been blessed with sooo much 'junk' that we have to move and that our house sold so quickly that we had a deadline to get it all out by.

As usual God is good. End of story. :)

Oh, and here are a few last pics (thankfully) my neighbor suggested we should take!

 This is us as we said our final good-bye to our first house..(.not sure if I should put a sad face or happy face here lol). It's bittersweet. Leaning more towards sweet though:)

Empty living room....

Closing and walking away from our pretty blue door for the last time!

Also, a quick update: We did start our training for DHS foster care certification this morning. It's a 9 week program and then we are done! I always hear people say this and it's true....crazy how the devil tries to throw a bunch of things at you when you are trying to accomplish a work that God has called you to. First day of class and it was one of those mornings where almost everything went wrong and then after sitting in our 3+ hour class we are welcomed with a parking ticket when we come out. Ya know what though it wasn't really all that discouraging...in fact in many ways I'm more sure than ever that we are doing what we are supposed to be doing.

After all I'm becoming more and more aware anything that God calls you to is not easy, but the biggest blessings usually come through the hardest of trials! So bring it.

Pregnancy after miscarriage.

That Casting Crowns song "Praise You in this Storm" is playing in my head right now-

"But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
and takes away."


I wrote the post below almost 2 months ago after finding out I was pregnant again this past August. Little did I know what the future would hold. I sure didn't expect it to include another loss of a precious life so soon...but it did. I really felt like I should still share how God spoke to me about fear and faith while being pregnant again. It applies in this waiting I'm in still. It actually applies to every area of my life. Despite going on to have a second miscarriage I hope one day when I am pregnant again I will read this and be reminded that we DO NOT have to live with a spirit of fear.


Written September 2012:

Becoming pregnant after a miscarriage can be a very scary experience...if you let it. I think everyone has some worries when they discover they are pregnant, but until it actually happens to you miscarriage is just a statistic.

 Something that happens to someone else.

Once you've experienced how real loss really is it is hard to ever be the same. I think its obvious how truly grateful and excited we are to be pregnant again! Words cannot describe the joy of being blessed with a new life. However, its a struggle to not let satan steal the joy that pregnancy is supposed to be without fear of more heartache. It's those subconscious thoughts * you feel guilty for even thinking*....should we get our hopes up again, maybe I shouldn't talk about names yet, or plan every detail of the nursery....try not to imagine how wonderful it will be to watch my belly grow, to hear that heartbeat, feel kicks, watch B be a big brother, on and on.

That's when I have to remember that satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy(John 10:10). I refuse to let him win. I have to take a look at what God's word says and what he promises.

The fear of celebrating because of how much it will hurt to have a broken heart again is there. Though from that moment I see those 2 pink lines I can't help but celebrate this new life because it's a natural overflow. Part of me wants to think if we tried not to plan so far ahead that the loss wouldn't be so devastating , but I should know that isn't true. God's word says EVERY life is worth celebrating no matter how short and that babies are a gift from heaven. I know that every single tear that I cried for our lost baby was worth it. S/he deserved to be celebrated with every part of me because God created that baby with a purpose and knew him/her by name. I'm so glad we spent our time rejoicing during every week that baby was ours. I may not have gotten to hold that precious life on this side of eternity, but I know I have an angel waiting for me in heaven.

Though it may not sound like it I must say God has really blessed me with a peace from the beginning of this pregnancy that can only come from him. I just wanted to share my struggles  ....because that is when God gets more of the glory. I know many others have mourned a loss and hope they can know someone else does understand. We all probably share these same emotions. I read on other blogs/forums where tons of people think they just have to live with the constant fear and that it's okay. However, God has not given us a spirit of fear we don't have to spend this pregnancy (or fill in the blank_______) in worry.

Allowing fear/worry to control our thoughts is a sin we have to view it as that.

 We can have a joy and peace to not stress over every symptom or lack thereof....we must place this life in God's hands because it is HIS after all.  I have my weak moments when fear comes in, but I'm constantly striving to focus on the joy I have now. I am pregnant today. I will praise God for that and take it one day at a time as God leads me down a path to healing.

****When I wrote this post I never really dreamed we would suffer through the loss of the child I was carrying...everything just seemed so perfect with the timing.  I can say this post still reflects how I feel despite it all....I will rejoice yet again when God blesses us with a new life. No matter how short(or long) of a time that life may be with us. As painful as this has all been I know I am a different person on the other side of it. Someone I would not be if God hadn't led me down this road.

It is a choice though- we choose whether to blame God for bad things(whatever they may be) or to run to him in our darkest times. I can't yet say I see the good in all of it, but I trust that my God who allowed it is very good and has my best in mind.

What to do in the waiting.

The waiting is the hardest part. I've found that statement to be painfully true in my life over the past year. Times like these put to test if my faith is really believing without seeing. Sometimes I want so badly for God's plan to line up with mine(not the other way around)....sometimes the desire for a baby and for Breyton to have a sibling "before it's too late" is overwhelming. Unexpectedly struggling to conceive and then miscarriage are a grief that seems to come in waves.

Some days I'm ok, some days I'm great....and some days the tears flow so so easily.

Each day seems to be a battle in my mind where satan is trying to steal the hope I have and replace it with fear and worry. I'm constantly having to choose what truths and what lies I will believe. Because the fact is the future is unknown......I don't know if or when we will be holding a new baby in our arms, but I do know my God is a God who loves me and promises that He has my best in mind. Does that mean the road is gonna be easy? Oh, how I wish it was...but I read a statement awhile back that I believe is true: God is more concerned with our holiness than our happiness. 

I wish everyday I could easily focus on how God is orchestrating this plan so much bigger than I could grasp and that one day it will all be clear to me....but I can't always...some days I feel stuck in the waiting.

 A place I wouldn't choose to be.

However, I can find comfort knowing this is exactly where God would have me to be. There is so much to be learned in the waiting. If we can choose to let go of the bitterness, the fears, the dashed hopes....then God can show us so much here. We can find a faith, a trust, a hope, a peace in the 'valley's' of life that we wouldn't be forced to learn on the 'mountaintop'.  I won't try to pretend that I don't have doubts, but I can say I have grown spiritually during this trial in ways I can't describe. So what would God have me to do in the waiting?.....Trust. Pray. Listen. Devote myself to his Word. Fill myself with the hope and truths I know I have in Him. And wait.  I can say, for today, God's promises are enough.

......and because God seems to speak to me through music quite often here's the lyrics to a long time favorite song that has resignated so close to my heart lately. 

"Blessings" by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

The hurt and The Healer

It's the word nobody wants to say...not the ultrasound tech, the Dr, friends, or family...not even myself or my husband.

 Miscarriage.

It's like if we don't talk about it then you pretend it's not real. It is real. The questions are real. The pain is very real.

Past few days have been the hardest of my life and this journey of grief is far from over, however God is already guiding us on His path in the midst of it all. I'm choosing to not hide away in silence with this miscarriage.... though it seems as if it's some unspoken rule in society that the loss of a baby is supposed to be swept under the rug. Some may not understand how you can mourn for someone you've never met. There's no doubt that it's a hard subject, so really it's easiest if people don't try to 'fix it' because in reality only God can heal this hurt. God is showing me to be more open instead of hiding this grief, so He will have the opportunity to use this for His glory. I'm already thankful for my family and friends for their prayers and support...mostly my husband for grieving with me and holding me when all I could do was sob.

I've cried till there are no tears left just wondering 'why!?' and yet I do have unwavering faith in God's ultimate plan. The moment I found out this pregnancy was likely over I was laying on the ultrasound table and just remember staring at the ceiling feeling numb thinking this wasn't possible. This wasn't happening to us and this baby. After trying for 11 months to get pregnant I just knew this was God's perfect timing and I have been floating through this pregnancy with a joy that's indescribable. We were just so ready for another baby and in this past month we already had this baby's whole life practically planned with names picked out, room decor, holidays with new baby, on and on. There will be so many reminders of what might have been and already getting on this blog seeing the 'announcement' I had typed up a month ago to share our joy with the world when the time was right stirs up such heartache.

Now it's all just over....we have to pick up the pieces and try to move on through all the 'could have beens'.

When I got in the car after walking out of the hospital this song came on and I could feel God putting his arms around me as he watched his child cry out and I know without a doubt how much he cares....He will be walking through all of this with me.

Mercy Me- The Hurt and The Healer

"Why? The question that is never far away The healing doesn’t come from the explained Jesus please don’t let this go in vain You’re all I have All that remains So here I am What’s left of me Where glory meets my suffering I’m alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide Breathe Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do Pain so deep that I can hardly move Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You Lord take hold and pull me through So here I am What’s left of me Where glory meets my suffering I’m alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I’ve fallen into your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here When the hurt and the healer collide [x2] Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here" I hope this provides hope for someone else who may be going through a dark time that, in time, God can make beauty from ashes. Thank you Jesus for carrying us when we can't seem to move, for being the ultimate Healer, for providing a comfort and peace only you can provide, for speaking to us just when we need to hear it most....and for being a loving Father that does not waste a sorrow.

"Don't want it"

Its hard to keep up with all the new words and phrases B learns each week. The new phrase I repeatedly hear all day is "don want it' aka don't want it. Or also popular is 'I need ---' fill in the blank. Right now with its newness its pretty cute when he says these things, but I'll see how long that lasts!
 Monday in the grocery store checkout he spots the gum section and says over and over "I need num, I need num!"(gum)...we ended up buying another pack of gum because this one just wasn't worth the fight.=D
Back to the 'don want it'....this phrase is used all day for just about anything whether it be food I offered him, show on tv, toys, etc. When he's done with anything he hands it to me with a 'don want it'.
I was thinking today when B was saying he NEEDED something that he couldn't have how similar it is when we ask our heavenly Father for something we 'think' we NEED. As a parent I really just want the best for B and even though it makes him unhappy quite often I say 'no' a lot.
But, truthfully its not about what makes our children happy in the moment its about whats best for them in the big picture. There's been a lot of trials I've been handed where I just want to say 'dont want it! I'm done, let's try something else God" because it's just not what I've had planned. Been having plenty of moments with God lately wondering why certain things are happening in my own life, with close family, and in close friends lives....kind of wanting to have my own temper tantrum that its just not fair!!! Just like I cant explain to my two year old why he has to take a nap or cant have more candy....I cant understand God's ways because my view is too limited of the big picture and frankly his ways are higher than my ways. Thankfully I have a glimpse of Christ's love for me by knowing just how much I love B, so I know without a doubt even when it hurts that God just truly wants the best for me, his child. I've learned that being a Christian doesn't make bad things not happen, but he does promise a peace that surpasses all understanding and God's highest concern isn't that I'm happy, but that I'm holy. I just need to stay focused on the prince of peace and realize any small trials I'm faced with are to shape me into who He made me to be. I love this quote, "When we see God for who he is, we see our problems for what they are. Small God – big problems. Big God – small problems."

My love for adoption.

Do you ever have those days where your heart is so heavy for the world? Ive been having a lot of those lately. Sometimes the suffering that goes on around us seems too much for my heart to bear. I dont know why I let myself dwell on these things...sometimes I wish I had a less compassionate mind, so I wouldn't be so deeply affected by the evils of this world. Many of you  know how big of a heart I have for children, specifically orphans, but they have always been something God has placed on my heart for as long as I can remember. As I watch Breyton grow and realize just how much he needs me and depends on my love I cant help, but think about all the babies who don't have a home. I look forward to the day when the time is right for Mason and I to add a child to our family through adoption, but in the mean time I can get too caught up in the horrible things happening to sweet innocent children who just need someone to love them. The reality is I'll never be able to 'save' all the children in the world. It sucks, but its true.
I'm trying to spend more time focusing on how God has the ultimate plan and one day He will bring justice for all that has happened on this earth.  We will however have the opportunity to make a difference in some child's life. I was reading a blog about adoption earlier and came across the statistics that Ive seen before but had forgotten: "that if only 3% of the world's self professed Christians
adopted a child, there would be no more orphans in the world. That if only one family out of each church in
our country adopted one child from foster care, there would be no more adoptable foster children in America.
And yet most Christians don't adopt. Many - dare I say most? - churches don't do one thing to protect the fatherless in America or anywhere else. The result: there are still approximately 143 million orphans in the world, and over 120,000 orphans in America (in addition to another half million foster children ineligible for adoption.)"
That just blows me away that if we as children of God we're doing what God commanded us to do then there wouldn't have to be the 'fatherless'. I know I cant tell everyone they should adopt and maybe not all are called to, but consider that God commanded us to care for the orphans.That means anyone who is a born again Christian should be taking some part in making sure orphans are taken care of.  Im not doubting that adoption will be a hard road, but thankfully I do know that God will  be there every step of the way. We are so blessed to have a heavenly Father who 'adopted' us as children of God...seems so obvious the least we could do is show that same love back.