There have undoubtedly been some tough days in this past month as I continue to learn to 'die' to myself and live in Christ. There have been a few times since A joined us where by the end of the day I break down in tears and say,"I can't do this!". Satan loves to tempt me with the thought that with one phone call I can have my life back to normal. Thankfully, God has provided some loving Godly friends who tell me what I don't want to hear to confirm what I know God is telling me in my heart.
Foster care is a journey in which I never know what to expect next! It's one day at a time. I used to pray God would give me opportunities to interact with people who were truly lost because my immediate circle didn't really allow those opportunities. How that has changed! We started the process of foster/adoption planning to have nothing to do with birth parents. God has changed our hearts in so many ways from having an open adoption with Sean's bio mom to talking often with foster kids bio parents on the phone.
On top of that almost daily I'm presented with opportunities to talk to complete strangers about why we adopted or do foster care. From the nurse at the dr's appt, to the hygienist cleaning my teeth, to the mom standing next to us at the park pushing her kid on the swing, the person behind me in line at the grocery store.
People are curious and it leaves so many open doors. I don't think you can talk about adoption without talking about Christ! I just pray people see that.....none of this is about us it's all about Christ and what he did for us. That is the only reason we stepped into any of this. Trust me I feel like one of the least patient people that I know and always tell God surely someone else could do this better!!
God is teaching me what James meant when he said, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." (James 1:2-5)
I am truly trying to learn to find joy in trials or persecution(because we have many around us who are not a big fan of us doing foster care and sometimes this is just plain hard.) When I cry out that I can't do this anymore then God always shows up. I know I've said it before but Christ is in the difficult places. I don't seek Christ or need him when I try to make sure my circumstances are comfortable and that I can handle then on my own. I truly seek and find God when I'm desperate for him.
The more I read scripture (and not just a few verses I pick and choose to suit what I want in life- which I've done in the past) I read about suffering for the gospel. Every book in the New Testament tells me we will suffer for Christ. Why does this surprise us so much when it happens though?! I listened to a sermon the other day where the preacher said instead of being surprised by trials we should wonder what is wrong in our lives if we aren't facing some sort of suffering. We should ask ourselves why is no one persecuting me? Why isn't the devil attacking me!? The answer could be because he doesn't have to. He doesn't need to worry about you.
The devil knows when our focus is on building our safe little comfortable life. He sees we are not focused on what risks we can take for furthering God's kingdom.
Honestly, this is all for me to hear, again. I want to look back and see how God stripped me from all this 'stuff' I want to hold dear and replace it with His best for us. Because I do like my nice safe house in a quiet neighborhood, I like my kids being in great school districts, I like saving back money for if an emergency happens(as if children starving today isn't an emergency!!), I like wearing nice clothes, and driving nice cars. I really used to like the American dream. God is answering my prayers though and has been changing my eyes to see this world in light of eternity. I find myself seeing people who have more money than us, nicer things, and frequent dream vacations as they focus their life solely on pleasing themselves and I pity them. I no longer feel envy. I feel sorrow in what they are missing out on. I now know I'm not the one missing out! All these temporary pleasures around us are just a distraction for the only One that really matters.
This all leads into different thoughts Mason and I have been processing over the past two years. Starting with this thought of selling our home and downsizing.
It's been heavy on our hearts for awhile now. We built this house over 2.5 years ago now and planned on it being our FOREVER home. (Or atleast until we wanted to downsize when our kids moved out or we retired, etc.)
I remember reading books, like Radical by David Platt, and watching sermons by Francis Chan and being so drawn in by their 'crazy' faith. Over the past few years though their faith doesn't seem so crazy anymore. It actually seems like it's what's expected. The more I read and re-read the Bible I see the way I've lived my life and the way many Christians live their lives is considered 'lukewarm'. I don't know if you know what God says about lukewarm Christians in the bible, but it's not pretty. In Revelations 3:16 God says, "But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth! You say, ‘I am rich. I have acquired wealth. I don’t need a thing!’ And you don’t realize that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked."
Clearly, I don't want that to be describing me!!
Then it goes on to say, "So I advise you to buy gold from me—gold that has been purified by fire. Then you will be rich. Also buy white garments from me so you will not be shamed by your nakedness, and ointment for your eyes so you will be able to see. I correct and discipline everyone I love. So be diligent and turn from your indifference."
Then I've been studying this verse..talking about Sodom..you know one of the cities God destroyed because evil had consumed it: "Behold, this was the sin of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had pride, excess of food, and prosperous ease, but did not aid the poor and needy." (Ezekiel 16:49 ESV)
The thing is I remember listening about people being called to sell homes or possessions and thinking "Lord, please don't call me to do that."
I actually feared the thought of that years ago. I'm telling you something with as much honestly as I possible can- God has not specifically called me in some clear voice from heaven to sell our home. God already wrote all the answers I need in his holy timeless word. I've just been ignoring it or thinking that was reserved for someone else.
We honestly desire to downsize our home and get rid of some material possessions. Our hearts have changed so much over the past two years as we have matured in our spiritual walk. I can't even fathom the change of mindset to go from God please don't call me to let go of all this stuff....to please take all this temporary stuff that keeps me from your best for my life. I can give it away with great joy! I have had a taste of what is truly good! I can't stand to see another picture or news link of children starving in foreign countries and not do something! There has come a point where giving away 10% doesn't feel like enough.
I honestly don't know what the future holds! Whether we keep right on doing foster care in this season of life or take a short break to focus on the three children God has intrusted us with already. I seriously have to take it one day at a time. One placement at a time.
We have clearly been feeling we need to let go of this home we thought we built to stay in forever. Instead of asking the old question of how much can we afford in our budget(whether it's house, car, clothes, entertainment) we are starting to ask how little can we get by with?? How much in our excess can we downsize or give away just so others can have enough? I can't claim to know what is next! Just trying to really listen to where God may be leading. There could be many big changes ahead or we could be in a season where God is telling us to be still and listen. Either way- we we want to do the best we can with this one crazy short life we've been given!
