Wonderful week:)

It has been such a blessed past week  There were a few hard days thrown in there were sadness about our loss can over take me, but as always God is right there with reminders that He is working out a much bigger plan than I can imagine. No doubt I serve an amazing God...no matter the circumstances.

We have been so busy lately which I suppose is a blessing in some ways and thankfully most of it has been fun activities! Breyton and I have gotten to enjoy a crazy amount of outdoor time which we both love! Today we were probably indoors for 1-2 hours total. I'm lucky he'd rather be outside than watching tv anytime!

 We have gone swimming several times in the past week between the in-laws house and great friends and we love every minute in the pool! My niece also came to stay the night this past weekend along with my brother and sis-in-law and I just love all 3 of them...Breyton loves seeing them especially miss Brooklynn and she loves him too! We are so thankful for the miracle she is and how well she is doing is through many answered prayers. She started crawling this past weekend and is making leaps and bounds in every area:) Saturday I got to see two of my best friends and spent the morning at the zoo then enjoyed dinner that night plus icecream afterwards.

Thankful for this week full of sun, swimming, bike rides, baseball, food, and beautiful sunrises and sunsets.....and of course having such wonderful people in my life to share it all with.

Things to remember-April

With everything that's happened and the madness of May I forgot to publish the post I had typed for the little things I loved about Breyton for April.

1) The new tree swing. Breyton has really loved this swing his papa made him. We have spent many hours swinging and 'spinning' on this swing already and I see many more memories in the future.

 2)At the beginning of April I got sick and B was so sweet and caring. He would come check on me and give me kisses and 'love pats'.

3)We finally got a hammock since I've been wanting one for years lol. Breyton really likes laying in it with me and the dog....and I intend to plan some 'outside' nap times if he cooperates!:)

4)We spent a lot of time playing with playdoh this past month and Breyton likes to tell me different animals to create. His favorite oddly was tadpoles haha which makes it pretty easy for me. I guess since he played with tadpoles at Grammy's hes kind of been obsessed with tadpoles and frogs.

5) I've been taking a break from cutting B's hair and  letting it grow....so we had our first instance of him cutting his own hair the other day! Luckily it wasn't in a very noticeable spot, but the scissors are in a much higher spot since he seems to be taller than I realized!

6)Breyton has really been liking time with his daddy more and more. He asks for Mason at random times everyday asking "where's daddy at?" and if "daddy is sleeping?".

7) Most popular sayings of  his this month have been exclaiming "Oh, man!" anytime something happens and asking "What you doin?". Also loves to talk about how he is "growing big and up high!"..he tells me all the time how hes getting big and that his tummy is growing after he eats!

8)Lastly he has had fun watching our garden grow and his favorite is definitely watering the plants!
                    Garden as of April-Green beans are growing the fastest currently!

The hurt and The Healer

It's the word nobody wants to say...not the ultrasound tech, the Dr, friends, or family...not even myself or my husband.

 Miscarriage.

It's like if we don't talk about it then you pretend it's not real. It is real. The questions are real. The pain is very real.

Past few days have been the hardest of my life and this journey of grief is far from over, however God is already guiding us on His path in the midst of it all. I'm choosing to not hide away in silence with this miscarriage.... though it seems as if it's some unspoken rule in society that the loss of a baby is supposed to be swept under the rug. Some may not understand how you can mourn for someone you've never met. There's no doubt that it's a hard subject, so really it's easiest if people don't try to 'fix it' because in reality only God can heal this hurt. God is showing me to be more open instead of hiding this grief, so He will have the opportunity to use this for His glory. I'm already thankful for my family and friends for their prayers and support...mostly my husband for grieving with me and holding me when all I could do was sob.

I've cried till there are no tears left just wondering 'why!?' and yet I do have unwavering faith in God's ultimate plan. The moment I found out this pregnancy was likely over I was laying on the ultrasound table and just remember staring at the ceiling feeling numb thinking this wasn't possible. This wasn't happening to us and this baby. After trying for 11 months to get pregnant I just knew this was God's perfect timing and I have been floating through this pregnancy with a joy that's indescribable. We were just so ready for another baby and in this past month we already had this baby's whole life practically planned with names picked out, room decor, holidays with new baby, on and on. There will be so many reminders of what might have been and already getting on this blog seeing the 'announcement' I had typed up a month ago to share our joy with the world when the time was right stirs up such heartache.

Now it's all just over....we have to pick up the pieces and try to move on through all the 'could have beens'.

When I got in the car after walking out of the hospital this song came on and I could feel God putting his arms around me as he watched his child cry out and I know without a doubt how much he cares....He will be walking through all of this with me.

Mercy Me- The Hurt and The Healer

"Why? The question that is never far away The healing doesn’t come from the explained Jesus please don’t let this go in vain You’re all I have All that remains So here I am What’s left of me Where glory meets my suffering I’m alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide Breathe Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do Pain so deep that I can hardly move Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You Lord take hold and pull me through So here I am What’s left of me Where glory meets my suffering I’m alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I’ve fallen into your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here When the hurt and the healer collide [x2] Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here" I hope this provides hope for someone else who may be going through a dark time that, in time, God can make beauty from ashes. Thank you Jesus for carrying us when we can't seem to move, for being the ultimate Healer, for providing a comfort and peace only you can provide, for speaking to us just when we need to hear it most....and for being a loving Father that does not waste a sorrow.