Even if

It’s been so long since I wrote- devastating and amazing things have happened this year and I’m often torn between the emotions of the two and not wanting one to overshadow the other. Allowing myself to desperately miss my brother and grieve the ending that didn’t come, but also praise God and find joy in this life I’ve been given. It has almost been 4 months since my brother passed. As the months go on the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my relationship with God is let go of my grip on knowing ‘why’ and really believe His ways are higher than mine and that He doesn’t have to explain them to me. Daily I have to say it doesn’t matter if I ever know why my brother wasn’t healed on this side of eternity...because I know you God and that is enough. I know in the end there is nowhere else I would turn and no one else I can run to and oh how God has pursued me and proven himself to me over and over. That doesn’t mean I don’t get mad and I don’t question God, but even through tears I fight for my faith and say, “I trust you still.”

I know with my brothers birthday coming up and the holidays that things are going to get harder before they get easier, but I can say with confidence that His grace is sufficient and His Love is enough......because even now God’s faithfulness has been overwhelming and carried me and provided for us in ways that I could not have fathomed. Our adoption of Evie and our move to Peppers Ranch are a reminder to me of the Bible verse Ephesians 3:20 “to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think”. In the face of devastating loss God prepared in advance miracles that would remind me daily of His amazing goodness. One year ago we started our journey towards our 2nd adoption knowing that it could cost between $20-30k, but taking that step of faith we trusted God would provide. I remember hoping just to get an adoption grant or two to help with the cost....God did abundantly more than that and provided every single penny through generous donations from friends and anonymous  people, receiving 4 adoption grants, and then the tax credit we get back for adoption expenses will have covered all fees. Even in the little things as Evie’s hospital bill for her stitches was about $600 and 2 days prior to receiving the bill we got an unexpected check in the mail for almost the exact amount. It’s crazy to me to think we thought we were going to be giving up so much financially to follow in obedience, but God showed up and poured out more than we dared to even ask. Then there is the opportunity to live at Peppers Ranch...I don’t want to gloss over or minimize how God provided a way for us to live out the desire He placed on our hearts to care for orphans while abundantly being provided for and with the kind of community and support we could have never imagined- it’s too much to even list here. Truly above what we could ask or think. 

Speaking of Peppers Ranch I should also give a short update on our fostering journey. Back in August we accepted placement of siblings- a brother(8yrs) and sister(6yrs). This past week the brother moved on to be with his dad and long story short his sister will be joining him the first week of December. This is due to them being half brother/sister and additional approval being needed to move her since she has no biological relation. The same day we found out our foster son was moving we got a call about 3 sisters that were being picked up and they were having to be separated as there were no homes to keep them together. For me there was some hesitation because the youngest was only 18 months and I wasn’t sure I wanted to go back to the baby stage of having someone home full time with me since Lyla just started school. After praying about it we both agreed we had a peace about saying yes. So this past Thursday they joined our family. They are three amazing girls and have already been a blessing to our family. The ‘baby’ that I was worried about taking on has been such a joy- I seriously love her. She makes allll of us smile a million times a day...and is smothered in love by everyone. Needless to say God is already there- wherever He calls us He is ahead of us working out the details and I’m so grateful for the life we have now because of obedience to God’s call on our life. I know it may sound like a crazy life, but it really is our best life.

Adoption update

I know several of you have asked me in person and others are still wondering what is going on with our adoption process. Here is an update:

Yes, we have had a new little girl living with us for a few weeks now and until we can tell you her name she is known as E😊

Things continue to take a fast pace with E’s case. Her biological mom has already relinquished her rights in court. Due to privacy reasons and to protect E- as this is her story and not one I intend to share all the details of on any public forum- I can’t say too much. We did meet bio mom for the first time earlier this week and pray we can have a continued relationship there in some form. She is firm in her decision to place her child for adoption and not willing to discuss any other options. After hearing more of her story, even though it is such a hard thing to comprehend in her circumstances she is doing what is best for E. No other family that has been contacted is willing to step forward. From the beginning this is honestly not what I had prayed for as it’s heartbreaking on so many levels. We prayed for a change of circumstances for bio mom or for a wonderful family member to come forward for E to be able to stay within family. We do not take adoption lightly and do not go into adoption(or foster care) against the biological family, but root for them. For us this is not simply about wanting to add a child to our family, but God willing to fill in a gap for a child who has no other option. That is now proving to be the case for E.  This is not a foster care adoption, but for legal reasons has to be a private adoption, so there are still many fees associated. Specific prayer needs right now would be for E and her mom as they deal with the emotions of all of this. Also,that we get one of the adoption grants we applied for. If no other family comes forward then we were notified we will take placement the 17th of April- this is basically like guardianship as a child has to have a legal guardian and if no family is willing to do it then we are the agencies next option. The adoption would not be finalized until a waiting period has happened(around 7 months), but the $13,000-14,000 left we will owe in fees are due at placement. It does seem like a lot, but the more I learn I can see how the fees add up. The amount of man hours put into tracking down family and then attorney/lawyer fees to make sure the adoption is necessary, ethical, and legal all add up. Obviously, we didn’t have as long of a time frame to save up, so getting one of these grants would be such a blessing and help us be able to focus our time/attention on helping our daughter heal.

As for our international adoption process we were not so far in that we were fully committed to the Philippines- meaning we hadn’t been matched with a child yet. Our application for our international agency can be placed on hold and picked back up in a couple of years. God willing we could still pursue an international adoption down the road- that’s all an IF because I don’t intend to make plans that far in advance as to what God may or may not do.😉

For now, God has opened a door we did not expect! We will continue to keep our door open in obedience and let our sovereign all knowing God work out all the rest. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

God has been orchestrating the details for us and E long before we knew what would happen. To be in this exact moment at the exact time needed. For E to have a family that God was preparing to be ready to love her and accept her unconditionally right when she needed it. He is faithful.