That Casting Crowns song "Praise You in this Storm" is playing in my head right now-
"But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
and takes away."
I wrote the post below almost 2 months ago after finding out I was pregnant again this past August. Little did I know what the future would hold. I sure didn't expect it to include another loss of a precious life so soon...but it did. I really felt like I should still share how God spoke to me about fear and faith while being pregnant again. It applies in this waiting I'm in still. It actually applies to every area of my life. Despite going on to have a second miscarriage I hope one day when I am pregnant again I will read this and be reminded that we DO NOT have to live with a spirit of fear.
Written September 2012:
Becoming pregnant after a miscarriage can be a very scary experience...if you let it. I think everyone has some worries when they discover they are pregnant, but until it actually happens to you miscarriage is just a statistic.
Something that happens to someone else.
Once you've experienced how real loss really is it is hard to ever be the same. I think its obvious how truly grateful and excited we are to be pregnant again! Words cannot describe the joy of being blessed with a new life. However, its a struggle to not let satan steal the joy that pregnancy is supposed to be without fear of more heartache. It's those subconscious thoughts * you feel guilty for even thinking*....should we get our hopes up again, maybe I shouldn't talk about names yet, or plan every detail of the nursery....try not to imagine how wonderful it will be to watch my belly grow, to hear that heartbeat, feel kicks, watch B be a big brother, on and on.
That's when I have to remember that satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy(John 10:10). I refuse to let him win. I have to take a look at what God's word says and what he promises.
The fear of celebrating because of how much it will hurt to have a broken heart again is there. Though from that moment I see those 2 pink lines I can't help but celebrate this new life because it's a natural overflow. Part of me wants to think if we tried not to plan so far ahead that the loss wouldn't be so devastating , but I should know that isn't true. God's word says EVERY life is worth celebrating no matter how short and that babies are a gift from heaven. I know that every single tear that I cried for our lost baby was worth it. S/he deserved to be celebrated with every part of me because God created that baby with a purpose and knew him/her by name. I'm so glad we spent our time rejoicing during every week that baby was ours. I may not have gotten to hold that precious life on this side of eternity, but I know I have an angel waiting for me in heaven.
Though it may not sound like it I must say God has really blessed me with a peace from the beginning of this pregnancy that can only come from him. I just wanted to share my struggles ....because that is when God gets more of the glory. I know many others have mourned a loss and hope they can know someone else does understand. We all probably share these same emotions. I read on other blogs/forums where tons of people think they just have to live with the constant fear and that it's okay. However, God has not given us a spirit of fear we don't have to spend this pregnancy (or fill in the blank_______) in worry.
Allowing fear/worry to control our thoughts is a sin we have to view it as that.
We can have a joy and peace to not stress over every symptom or lack thereof....we must place this life in God's hands because it is HIS after all. I have my weak moments when fear comes in, but I'm constantly striving to focus on the joy I have now. I am pregnant today. I will praise God for that and take it one day at a time as God leads me down a path to healing.
****When I wrote this post I never really dreamed we would suffer through the loss of the child I was carrying...everything just seemed so perfect with the timing. I can say this post still reflects how I feel despite it all....I will rejoice yet again when God blesses us with a new life. No matter how short(or long) of a time that life may be with us. As painful as this has all been I know I am a different person on the other side of it. Someone I would not be if God hadn't led me down this road.
It is a choice though- we choose whether to blame God for bad things(whatever they may be) or to run to him in our darkest times. I can't yet say I see the good in all of it, but I trust that my God who allowed it is very good and has my best in mind.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Things to remember-September 2012
I didn't realize we already passed the one year mark of this blog. It's already crazy to look back at what all can happen and change in just one year. I know for sure Breyton is growing and changing so quickly-thankful to have these 'snapshots' of what he was doing from each month to look back on.
Better late than never here are the memories I have of Breyton from September:
1) At the start of the packing for moving process B found his Easter basket full of eggs from this past year....obviously this ended with a few days of him being obsessed with Easter egg hunting lol. In the middle of September. If our neighbors didn't think we were crazy before then this may have given them a hint!
Probably being the house with the toddler who would stand in the front window after stripping down, run out the front door naked, or was always peeing somewhere in the yard was odd enough.
Anyways, we spent hours hiding and finding eggs until *thankfully* the excitement wore off...and I could put the eggs up to be forgotten about:)
2) B had a hard time understanding the concept of actually moving to a different house at first. Clearly since hes never had to before this was a new concept to grasp. The day we found out I told him while we were sitting on the front porch. He sat there and thought a minute before pointing at where the concrete and brick meet on the house saying, "This house can't move it's stuck! See?!" as he pushes against the house. Then I had to explain we weren't moving this house, but getting a different one. B went on to say that about many parts of the house explaining to me that our bathtub, kitchen, etc couldn't move it was "too heavy".
I can say now that we've been in the apartment for over to 2 weeks he's got down the 'old house' and 'new house' idea and is completely adjusted/happy to be here thankfully!
3) So B had some pretty ornery moments. The 'terrible two' moments don't end at 3....really they just get smarter and harder to reason with! However Breyton had some shining moments in September where I can see how others feelings do matter to him:)
Here's my favorite example- B is in the pantry looking for a snack before bed and next thing I know he's saying "uh-oh momma". I go over to see he's somehow dumped the entire canister of oatmeal all over the floor. It's been a long day and I'm trying to get packed, etc not having extra time for messes....so my response was less than thrilled and told him I wasn't too happy he made such a big mess blah blah. I figured having him help would end up with a bigger mess so I told him to go to living room I had to run outside and do something then I'd clean it up. I'm gone outside for a minute or two and come back in...he's sitting in the floor picking up all the oatmeal(and doing a good job) then says, "I'm reaallly sorry momma. I clean it up for you, you happy now?"
4) Other random favorite phrases he says this month: "I'm just kidding!", "nope", "whatever, mom", "Just a minute!", "Just one more time.", "That's awesome.".
He loves to come into the room and "ROAR!"....then I say "Oh, no it's a monster!.... then he always says(with a 'duh' tone) "I'm just kidding mom. It's just me."
Breyton talks, and talks, and talks. He can really wear you out. I'm not the only witness to this people are always asking if he is EVER quiet. My answer is no.
Pretty much always has something to say or more importantly a question to ask...if he runs out of words he fills the silence with any noise he can make. I do love how he can talk about pretty much anything now. Though I love his developing vocabulary I hope I never forget how he say's certain things right now like hippopotamus, apartment, and how 'very dangerous' comes out in the cutest drawn out 'vrevwy dan-gu-wraus'.
September was a month full of the unexpected and no matter what each day brings I'm very thankful to have this strongheaded, hilarious, one of a kind little boy.
Pics from September!
Superman and spiderman all in one!
Shooting a bow and arrow at the Wildlife Expo
Better late than never here are the memories I have of Breyton from September:
1) At the start of the packing for moving process B found his Easter basket full of eggs from this past year....obviously this ended with a few days of him being obsessed with Easter egg hunting lol. In the middle of September. If our neighbors didn't think we were crazy before then this may have given them a hint!
Probably being the house with the toddler who would stand in the front window after stripping down, run out the front door naked, or was always peeing somewhere in the yard was odd enough.
Anyways, we spent hours hiding and finding eggs until *thankfully* the excitement wore off...and I could put the eggs up to be forgotten about:)
2) B had a hard time understanding the concept of actually moving to a different house at first. Clearly since hes never had to before this was a new concept to grasp. The day we found out I told him while we were sitting on the front porch. He sat there and thought a minute before pointing at where the concrete and brick meet on the house saying, "This house can't move it's stuck! See?!" as he pushes against the house. Then I had to explain we weren't moving this house, but getting a different one. B went on to say that about many parts of the house explaining to me that our bathtub, kitchen, etc couldn't move it was "too heavy".
I can say now that we've been in the apartment for over to 2 weeks he's got down the 'old house' and 'new house' idea and is completely adjusted/happy to be here thankfully!
3) So B had some pretty ornery moments. The 'terrible two' moments don't end at 3....really they just get smarter and harder to reason with! However Breyton had some shining moments in September where I can see how others feelings do matter to him:)
Here's my favorite example- B is in the pantry looking for a snack before bed and next thing I know he's saying "uh-oh momma". I go over to see he's somehow dumped the entire canister of oatmeal all over the floor. It's been a long day and I'm trying to get packed, etc not having extra time for messes....so my response was less than thrilled and told him I wasn't too happy he made such a big mess blah blah. I figured having him help would end up with a bigger mess so I told him to go to living room I had to run outside and do something then I'd clean it up. I'm gone outside for a minute or two and come back in...he's sitting in the floor picking up all the oatmeal(and doing a good job) then says, "I'm reaallly sorry momma. I clean it up for you, you happy now?"
4) Other random favorite phrases he says this month: "I'm just kidding!", "nope", "whatever, mom", "Just a minute!", "Just one more time.", "That's awesome.".
He loves to come into the room and "ROAR!"....then I say "Oh, no it's a monster!.... then he always says(with a 'duh' tone) "I'm just kidding mom. It's just me."
Breyton talks, and talks, and talks. He can really wear you out. I'm not the only witness to this people are always asking if he is EVER quiet. My answer is no.
Pretty much always has something to say or more importantly a question to ask...if he runs out of words he fills the silence with any noise he can make. I do love how he can talk about pretty much anything now. Though I love his developing vocabulary I hope I never forget how he say's certain things right now like hippopotamus, apartment, and how 'very dangerous' comes out in the cutest drawn out 'vrevwy dan-gu-wraus'.
September was a month full of the unexpected and no matter what each day brings I'm very thankful to have this strongheaded, hilarious, one of a kind little boy.
Pics from September!
Superman and spiderman all in one!
Enjoying a rainy day:o)
Mr. Sunshine
OK so Breyton can kill me one day for posting this lol...but proof of his naked butt in the window! This is what he does when he gets out of the bath tub and takes off running(can you tell he likes to do what he knows I don't want him to do)..... By the way I don't let him stay there haha just had to snap a pic.
Feeding a deer at the state fair
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Updates on life.
These past few weeks have been a whirlwind. We are moved into the new apartment. I should say our stuff is here....being unpacked or organized is a different story:) Crazy to think this time 4 weeks ago we had zero plans of selling our house any time real soon much less moving to an apartment, but here we are! Even though its been less than a week I really think we like living in the apartments. Downsizing is always a little rough and going from a house in the country to an apartment is an adjustment as well. However, I really think those are the only two 'cons'. I'm loving being closer to town. It takes me less than 2 minutes to go to the grocery store and about 5 min to get to Hobby Lobby:) Plus, there is a nice park less than a mile away for Breyton. I could go on and on about the 'pros' in my opinion so given a little time here we really feel like this was a good decision.
This past week was hectic trying to live out of boxes from Fri-Mon then trying to get moved on Monday evening(it got delayed) and then get ready for a house 'showing' on Tuesday. It would have been impossible without the help of some really important family and friends. Truly so grateful for them!
Now the big deal breaker is how quickly our house sells. We have had several calls and one 'showing' over the past 2 weeks...but no offers or anything serious yet. I'm really not too concerned about it we have prayed long and hard so I know God already has a plan....waiting for it to unfold is the harder part.
On to other updates:
The road to adoption is....rather stalled. Not on our part so much, but on DHS's part. I've heard rumors about how they tend to operate, but experiencing it first hand is a tad bit more frustrating. We definitely have a 'bum' case worker and that's the nice way of putting it! Our original home study was scheduled for August 31st...to which she never showed or called to say she wasn't coming. Then I basically haven't been able to talk with her since. I've been trying to be in touch with just the local DHS office and the head lady instead, but mostly you get transferred, etc and no one calls you back. EVER.
Ok sorry for all the negative, but needed to get that off my chest. I have the feeling by the time something ever gets going they are going to make us redo a lot of our paperwork or exams because it's been so long. I really trust God and his timing so I'm not always so frustrated about it all it's just disappointing how you get the run around. Anyways, I'm going down there in person this coming week so hopefully soon I'll have more positive updates on how the process is going. I do realize with being in the apartment and a smaller space that it may limit what we can do as far as foster care to adoption right now, yet I'd like to keep the process going because I know it will still be awhile before we are 'certified', etc. Somehow despite all these unexpected changes I really feel a peace about our decisions and I'm just listening to where God is leading.
3 quotes I found recently that I keep where I can read them often:
“Faith isn’t the ability to believe or see long and far into the misty future. It’s simply taking God at His Word and taking the next step.”
“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”
"Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time."
All in all...(setbacks, frustrations, tears, disappointments, all the unknown, included) I can excited for where God is taking our lives because he promises it's better than I could have ever dreamed.
"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us," Ephesians 3:20
This past week was hectic trying to live out of boxes from Fri-Mon then trying to get moved on Monday evening(it got delayed) and then get ready for a house 'showing' on Tuesday. It would have been impossible without the help of some really important family and friends. Truly so grateful for them!
Now the big deal breaker is how quickly our house sells. We have had several calls and one 'showing' over the past 2 weeks...but no offers or anything serious yet. I'm really not too concerned about it we have prayed long and hard so I know God already has a plan....waiting for it to unfold is the harder part.
On to other updates:
The road to adoption is....rather stalled. Not on our part so much, but on DHS's part. I've heard rumors about how they tend to operate, but experiencing it first hand is a tad bit more frustrating. We definitely have a 'bum' case worker and that's the nice way of putting it! Our original home study was scheduled for August 31st...to which she never showed or called to say she wasn't coming. Then I basically haven't been able to talk with her since. I've been trying to be in touch with just the local DHS office and the head lady instead, but mostly you get transferred, etc and no one calls you back. EVER.
Ok sorry for all the negative, but needed to get that off my chest. I have the feeling by the time something ever gets going they are going to make us redo a lot of our paperwork or exams because it's been so long. I really trust God and his timing so I'm not always so frustrated about it all it's just disappointing how you get the run around. Anyways, I'm going down there in person this coming week so hopefully soon I'll have more positive updates on how the process is going. I do realize with being in the apartment and a smaller space that it may limit what we can do as far as foster care to adoption right now, yet I'd like to keep the process going because I know it will still be awhile before we are 'certified', etc. Somehow despite all these unexpected changes I really feel a peace about our decisions and I'm just listening to where God is leading.
3 quotes I found recently that I keep where I can read them often:
“Faith isn’t the ability to believe or see long and far into the misty future. It’s simply taking God at His Word and taking the next step.”
“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.”
"Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time."
All in all...(setbacks, frustrations, tears, disappointments, all the unknown, included) I can excited for where God is taking our lives because he promises it's better than I could have ever dreamed.
"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us," Ephesians 3:20
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