It’s human nature to want to run from things that are uncomfortable, scary, and hard. More often than not everything in me has wanted to run from the situations I find myself or my family in when it comes to foster care. Then I remind myself these kids don’t have that choice. They can’t walk away from the brokenness they were born into and as a follower of Christ it’s my calling to walk along side those who need Christ’s love.
So I read this quote and it made me stop and think:
“Losses can wake you
to the meaningfulness of what was,
& why it deeply mattered,
& what message you want to live now.”
The loss of my brother through addiction is still a pain my family walks through everyday. It’s a daily reminder of the brevity of life. That death or addiction doesn’t discriminate. I still don’t understand the reason the road had to end the way it did but I’ve come to a place where I can rest in not having that answer. I get to choose whether to be bitter or use this, even this, the very thing that caused so much pain for Gods glory. I trust God is loving and good. I see how much I love my own kids and know God’s love for us, his children, is SO much greater than that...so how could anything He gives us be less than loving and merciful....and who are we to say different? I don’t have to understand it to choose to believe it.
So the real question I need to be asking isn’t “why God” but what do you want me to do in the wake of our own tragedy?
I know this....having someone I love dearly be trapped in addiction and seeing the places drugs can take a once loving kind person...gives me a compassion and mercy for the bio parents of kids in my home that I would have never had otherwise. Yes, I can be angry at how they have hurt their children, but I can also give grace for the battle they face. Most of them with a painful background themselves without a loving or supportive family to turn to. I let myself get so weary of the fight and having a front row seat over and over again to how drugs destroy. I know the Bible says to not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will see a harvest. I cling to that because the past 7 years of fostering has been a revolving door of welcoming pain and heartache into our home and I don’t always get to see the fruit of the labor, but have to trust it’s not in vain. Today my heart is heavy for the 3 girls in my home and their other momma. I long so badly to see her find the hope that is in Christ and overcome her addiction and to see the joy of them being reunited. Currently we are headed in the opposite direction and honestly I’ve let fear get too much of my time lately. I’m scared to walk these girls through the pain of the possible road ahead. This is where I have really wanted to turn away and not face this heartache...but I also know God has placed them here for a purpose and if the time comes He will give us all the strength and wisdom to walk this road. God will not lead us where He is not. I also have to focus on the fact that God loves these girls more than I do and He’s not up there wondering how this is all gonna work out. God never leaves a situation broken and messy, so if it’s not ‘good’ then it’s not the end...what I may see as the end will just be the start of something beautiful. God has been so faithful to us through the years so why would I think the future holds anything less. That is something I have to do....look back at God’s past faithfulness to get us through dark times and know whatever comes He is still the same. The very place I live is one such reminder of God’s grace towards me to surround me with families walking similar paths. I can look all around and know we are not alone in this journey. Pain and heartache are very real, but so is hope! Beauty from ashes. Hope from despair. This is who God is. I’ve seen it over and over. Things may seem dark in the world right now, but God’s light will overcome any darkness. In the meantime abiding in God means I can have real peace and joy in the midst of any circumstance IF I fill my life with God’s truth and promises. I have to fix my eyes on Jesus and make a stand on what I believe no matter what I see. For the Bible tells us that right now we see in part, but one day we will see in full and there will be no more pain, sadness, or sorrow. The coming joy of that day will get me though any day in this world as this is not my home. God IS good and I will praise Him always.
