This weekend our teenage foster daughter(T) and her daughter(K) move out. They are being allowed to return to T's bio dad. I haven't talked about them much due to keeping their privacy and I've just had such a heavy heart I have kept it to myself. I have spent the summer wrestling with God on some heavy issues. It can be such a burden to have a heart that so strongly empathizes with others. I can't just go on about my day or life when I hear of tragedy or have it live in my home...and trust me between my husbands job and what he sees daily, being foster parents, and having people in my own family have drug addictions...the tragedies and struggles are all around. I carry it with me and honestly the weight of it all was just drowning me. The big part of the problem was I couldn't give it to God. It's hard to admit that I was faced with questioning Gods sovereignty and goodness in the face of so much evil around. I guess I feel like I can talk now that I'm coming out of this hard season....I can't say I got the answers I 'wanted', but He gave me what I needed. I can say I truly wrestled and questioned my faith and what I believe and came out more sure than ever that God is God and I am not. He is good. He is loving. He is for us. I have seen it and I choose to believe it even when I can't see it.
Taking in a teenager has proven to be the most difficult thing God has asked of us and I endured through struggles because I believed the outcome would be worth the struggle. However, here we are at the 'end' of her season in our home and it did not have the outcome I had hoped. I know this doesn't mean our influence in her life is over or that this is really the end...but it sort of feels like it. As they leave I can feel a sigh of relief, but there is the knowing they take a piece of my heart with them. We are tied together now. They have shared our home for 5 months and they aren't just a statistic or a name on a paper, but real people with real souls that matter deeply to us. They may have not have made changes or choices I would have wished for them, but God has used them to greatly change me.
This verse has been my prayer through many tears hoping that they can overcome generational chains that are so hard to break: "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!"
Mark 9:24
I love this picture and I am thankful for good moments tucked in between....like how I am so proud of this boy^ who struggles greatly with an entitlement attitude(don't we all though), but I see how he willingly served those in our home. I watched K(the 1 yr old) while T would go to work most afternoons and I had not planned on caring for another baby at this point. I couldn't have done it without the help of my three kiddos! Without being asked they would offer her snacks, get her drinks, hold her hand, bring her toys. They didn't even realize they were getting to be the hands and feet of God with their actions. Though I have spent many nights worrying about the effects of fostering on our children I think I should spend more time worrying about raising kids who lack empathy or have an entitlement attitude towards the blessings we have on a daily basis.
This week I realized our physical presence in her life may be done for now, but that won't stop the prayers that will go up on her behalf. I have to believe that seeds sown WILL reep a harvest and we may or may not see it....but it will happen. Gods word does not return void. It's a changing of season for us as we close our home again for a little while. We will be open to T and K whenever needed. Just taking a few months to refocus on our family of 5 and enjoy some much anticipated vacations.
Lastly, I wanted to tell you about the 'Compassion Experience'. It's here in town this weekend- ironically in the parking lot of Von Maur at Quail Springs Mall. What a contrast of our excess compared to the worlds poverty. We took the kids this morning and Breyton is at the age where he can understand a little more of what we are seeing. It's a small mobile trailer/tent thing that has replicas of real life 'homes' in the slums of Africa and the Philippines. While you are in there you listen to the true story of a child's life that attended one of Compassion internationals programs in their country. I'm grateful Breyton got to experience that to hopefully make it more real when we recieve letters from the kids we sponsor. That it's truly by the grace of God that we live where we do and that it's our privilege to help others who aren't as fortunate. It's something we GET to do that should bring us much joy. It brings a joy that can't be taken from us that has eternal value compared to the very temporary pleasure we get from spending that money on a material item. I know this to be true and pray our kids will learn that compassion for others requires action and some self sacrifice.
"From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more."
Luke 12:48
PS if your considering giving in some way or wandering organizations that we find to be trustworthy we have done research on many...we currently sponsor kids through Compassion International, Komeo, and Childrens Hunger Relief fund.
Here are few pics from The Compassion Experience this morning.
