Yesterday was a frustrating afternoon for me. I drove over 2 hours round trip, including sitting in a huge traffic jam, to take D to a supervised visit with his mom yesterday....for her to not show.
In ways it's more difficult than I imagined. Foster care/adoption that is..not in the way I would have originally thought, but in the sense that your heart is torn. You have this child in your care that you quickly grow to love EQUALLY as your own while there's the 'other woman'.
The bio mom of course.
I didn't expect with D's particular case to meet her other than possibly in court. However, here I am learning too much about the mom that baby D will likely never know as mom. I feel deeply sorry for her, but at the same time my heart aches for what's best for her 5 babies. That doesn't mean I don't want her to change around because above all else I would love for anyone, including her, to know Christ and experience the radical life altering love He has for her. However, I feel with out a doubt that the best thing for D is that he stay with us.
Not just because we love him and want him to stay with us forever.
Because I look at his sweet innocent face and I see the hard places his parents come from. The lifestyles choices they make are going to be an unbelievably hard pattern to break if he were to be with his mom and in the area she is in...it would be near impossible for he or his siblings to have any opportunity to rise above that. I want so much more for him I can't bear the thought of him ending up as a 'statistic' and following in their foot steps.
Now I'm not here saying that God isn't capable of performing miraculous miracles.....I am saying that I believe a person has to have a willing heart to let God bring about change and I don't feel at this time that is a very probable for his mom.
After yesterday afternoon I had to turn up Jesus in the car (through Christian radio:) to be able to get back in a more grace filled mind set because I was mad. Mad after seeing the heartbreak in her older children's faces who don't have the privelege of not knowing what's going on. Mad at the whole situation and the long wait ahead of us. It's not my job to be mad though....it's my job to love D unconditionally without seeing what the future holds. It's my job to earnestly pray for this woman who desperately needs God's love and healing. It's my job (to try) to unbiasedly pray for whatever God's will may be.
Then yesterday evening there was a little redemption. A picture perfect evening ....one of those times you want to permanently capture in your mind. Mason was home on his dinner break, the weather could not have been more beautiful, sitting outside, Breyton chasing bubbles and popping them, D in his new exersaucer bouncin and laughing just as happy as can be, new life growing in my belly, and those are the moments my 'cup overflows' and I see how all this 'hard' stuff is worth it. Especially if that's what it takes to see D- a sweet smiley content baby on my porch and in our arms safe and sound.
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