God is good, I’m not.

It’s now April 2019 and I can look back to just one year ago of April 2018 and be shocked at how much has happened in a seemingly short time. I can also see how I am not even close to the same person I was then. My world has been turned upside down over the last year and with it so has my walk with my Savior. I really get what Paul means when he says this side of eternity we will never obtain perfection or ‘arrive’ in our christian walk, but it is the goal that we continually press on towards Jesus. Sometimes I think I ‘get it’ then life throws curveballs or knocks me off my feet completely and I have to choose to grow my roots down deeper in Gods truth just to hang on.....and sometimes I have to learn some of the same lessons all over again it seems. I have found the past year to be a refining fire in my life...a very very hot fire lol. I’ve been surprised what ugly sides of me can come out when trying to lay down my life for Christ- laying down my dreams of my brother being healed this side of eternity, laying down my plans of ‘only’ having 3 kids, my desires, my time. If I’m honest there are a lot of moments this past year that I have not liked who I am. It’s in this that it has become so clear to me how desperate my need for a savior is. It’s also here that Gods unconditional love and grace towards me amazes me- and changes me. I might have thought I was a ‘good’ person in the past when I tried to keep my life semi comfortable... but I’m finding real character comes out when things get REALLY difficult. Foster care has never been an easy journey for me and I have fought it so many times along the way, but maybe just taking in one extra kid I started to think “I” could handle it.....but add in losing a loved one, moving, selling a house, new town/school, and having 4 new kids living in your home bringing out all their trauma/heartache on you and the ones you love means things can’t be all tied up with a pretty bow. When everyday is a struggle of choosing to persevere in the thing God has called me to do that’s when my selfishness really surfaces. The irony that inviting brokenness into my home is what has really showed me how broken I am. That’s why I can say without a doubt that I am just as in need of the gospel as the addicted bio mom of my girls. In fact most people who think they are ‘good’ are really more in need of a savior than the person who is at rock bottom broken over their sin.  It’s a really dangerous place to be to think you are a ‘good’ person.  Only one was ever truly good and his name was Jesus. 

In myself I. am. not. sufficient. for the task he has asked me to do, but he doesn’t leave me to carry it out alone. In Him we are given love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, kindness, and self- control and because of his continuous work in me I can display these qualities to others. Apart from daily abiding in Him I would become the opposite of these things. I pray I live everyday of my life knowing the price Jesus paid for me- even in my sin- and that I can offer a small reflection of that grace to the people He places in my life. That if Jesus, THE KING, came to serve choosing to spend his days with the outcasts, the misfits, washing dirty feet, and ultimately laying down his life for me then how could I think I deserve to spend my days in comfort or ease. The very kids I might have thought I was ‘saving’ are saving me from myself by pushing me more into my need for Christ. 

Lord, thank you for not leaving me where I was, but for coming to me in my mess.