There has been a lot of changes in my heart, but not so much in my circumstances since then:) I can't tell you our house has sold just yet or that God has showed us what the next step is right now- other than continuing to place our future in his hands even with the unknown surrounding us. I think I've accepted that is what He wants from me right now. To quit fighting and asking for answers and just trust that He has a plan and maybe I'm not ready to see all of it yet. I think most of the time if God told us ahead of time what was next then we'd get too scared and run the other way ha. God strengthens you (typically through enduring trials I'm learning) to prepare you for what's ahead. He is still having to chip away and pry my fingers off some things that He knows I need to let go off that keep me from becoming more like Christ. He doesn't give me the grace I need for tomorrow or next month yet only what I need for today.
I often find myself relating a little too much like the Isrealites in the Bible. I look at their story in Exodus and think how can they so quickly forget the miracles God has performed and go back to grumbling and chasing meaningless things. I have seen AMAZING 'only God' type things happen in my life and testimonies of those around me yet when I get the next assignment from God and it doesn't play out the way 'I' would have done it...then I let the enemy get his toe in the door trying to fill me with doubt. I find myself asking, "God, are you even in this? Did I hear you wrong?". I will start to think because my house hasn't sold that God is silent. That since everything keeps feeling like it's falling apart since we moved into this apartment that maybe this isn't right. That since he hasn't healed my brother that he isn't listening. The list could go on.
However, he has been far from silent the problem is I don't always like what I hear!
Sunday morning we woke up it was one of those days where we were just done with apartment life. All the thoughts were flooding in... its like the devil wants to whisper into my ear "You have this almost brand new 2400 sq ft house with a fenced in backyard just sitting there..why are you living in an 800 sq ft apartment with three kids and a large dog? God clearly isn't doing anything..wouldn't you be more comfortable if you went back home?".
I was just at that point where I told God, "I know you showed me before, but can you please give me something to confirm that your still in this? That we are on the right path?"
Then I was unexpectedly handed a book Sunday at church and it was just one way God would confirm that he didn't bring me this far to leave me. The title of this book is 'Anything' and its a testimony of families praying to God that we will do anything that you ask. Anything. Whatever the cost and seeing what God can do with a willing heart. Here is a page out of a chapter called 'scrapbooks' meaning we tend to have these mental scrapbooks of how we think our life should go and in what order...except God comes in.
Then yesterday's daily devotional I recieve by email was undoubtedly sent at the right time. Wednesday was one of the hardest days I've had in a long time- and remember I thought Sunday was my bad day for the week lol. The devotional said when we go to a new level with God then we tend to experience the devil at a new level. I can attest to this truth. Since we moved into this apartment and started witnessing to people here we also started reading our bible through in an 8 month plan together, then I started an in depth study on learning to use the armor of God, on top of sermons I listen to online when I can squeeze them in. The more I've immersed myself in truth the more the spiritual warfare around us has been undeniable...I talk to my mom daily and we can (almost) laugh at how obvious it is. When you step out into what God has called you to do then that's when you realize just how real the spiritual battle mentioned in Ephesians is.
I've talked about it before but when we are 'half asleep or lukewarm' walking through this Christian life then we don't really pose a threat to the devil, so we just kind of slip off the radar it seems. When we take a step of obedience into what God has called us to do then suddenly it gets real! Let me encourage you though that this is when you see just how REAL God is as well.
Currently, going through a study called the 'Armor of God' by Priscilla Shirer and I'm learning so much about how we have been fighting wrong all along. The devil is real and seeks to steal, kill, and destroy, but God has given us all the tools we need to defeat him. I mean in the daily battles because we know in the end God has already won the war. We read in that we can have peace in all circumstances, but don't you really want to know how to have this peace in the midst of chaos and confusion?? We can't fight correctly until we have learned to utilize this 'armor' and DAILY put this put it on. Otherwise, we are left with weak spots and unable to stand against his schemes.
"For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm."
Ephesians 6:12-13
I can stand firm and not lose my joy or focus because God is bigger than any thing we will face and He is worth any suffering or temporary discomforts we will go through. He is worth following into callings that upsets your own family. His calling isn't that we always pick the safest neighborhood, the best school district, have perfect children, and play our whole lives safe. I have to let go of this mentality that I have to to set up my life, so that we are ok if God doesn't come through. I believe we may miss out on the glory of God.
So here I sit in our apartment letting go of my anxieties about how long I may be called to be here. Or how this next big thing God is asking for obedience in may be the hardest 'yes' we've had yet.
When I start dwelling on how things are not going like I planned then I set my thoughts on the negatives. What about the group of kiddos my children have built relationships with here that desperately need God in their lives? What about the couples around us that are lost? I want to have the mindset more of not how quickly can I get out of this trial or waiting period...but think more of "How can I glorify God in this?".
And that way of thinking goes against everything in my nature. So I have to do as Colossians 3:10 says, "Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him."....allowing myself to be renewed daily.
In conclusion, yes I am continuing to learn that being a disciple of Christ always comes with a cost...I think I was hoping this was just some of the time haha....and as I pay that price taking the next step I learn without a doubt that truly knowing Christ and walking with Him is WORTH ANYTHING. It really is. As I fall more in love with my Savior and seek to know him then I start seeing so clearly how much he loves me! I learn what the peace that surpasses comprehension means. It's not a peace because life is going good...its a peace that doesn't even make sense because everything is going wrong and somehow it's ok. It's even good sometimes. I believe it will all be for my good. To quote the book mentioned earlier, "The hardest things I've been through have given me more of my Savior. So who's to even say what's good or bad on this side of eternity?"
If you have this same restlessness and feeling that there is more then I encourage you by first and foremost praying and reading your Bible daily. It's honestly just been this past year of my life that I can consistently say I'm in God's word every single day. There is no replacing God's word. However, for the sake of me not quoting every single word from the following books I would highly recommend these written by people who are radically following Christ which challenges us to see what America calls radical is really what is expected of all believers. Most people have heard of 'Radical' and 'Crazy Love'. Those two books were the beginning of this evolving mindset years ago to challenge my faith in Christ. The three other books I'd recommend that I have read this past year are 'You and Me Forever' by Francis Chan, 'Anything' by Jennie Allen, and the study 'The Armor of God' by Priscilla Shirer.
"We want God to knock out suffering and poverty. Ironically, he gave us just about everything we would need to do it. We give our lives to him and he gives our lives away. Nothing on earth is more fun or will satisfy like being distributed by an all knowing, compassionate God, who knows exactly where our ridiculously blessed lives would best be spent."
THEREFORE, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also throw aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Hebrews 12:1-3 (Emphasis me)
"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:12, 14 ESV
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