Summer TIme-Putting up the pool and fence!

So Mason finally agreed we could get a pool this summer:) I'm very happy since the summer's here have been getting so hot it makes it rather impossible to enjoy being outside. Breyton and I spend most of our time outdoors, so its going to be great to have a place to cool off that's a little bigger than the kiddie pool option! We definitely tried to start off as low maintenance as possible for having a pool, so we can better learn how to upkeep without getting in over our heads lol. Therefore we went with an easy set pool. It's been up a little over 3 weeks and was a way bigger job than planned with getting it up and all the extras we had to do with it.....such as discovering what we thought was a level spot in yard wasn't level enough and building a fence around it.

We got some quotes to have a fence built for us, but the pricing was outrageous....so of course without any prior experience we decided to build the fence ourselves. Seemed like the best option, and we are still glad we chose to, but it may be our first and last experience with putting in a fence. Whew, it's a LOT of work.  However, I must say we did a pretty darn good job for having no help! (Except of course for Breyton's "help").

The fence looks pretty good and most importantly has withstood 2 storms, so it must be sturdy enough. We can finally say it's all complete thanks to plenty of hard work. We have already been enjoying the benefits though and look forward to the rest of the summer. Come fall time we have plenty of big plans for turning the fenced in area to a backyard patio for a fire pit, etc to make the area useful year around when the pool isn't up. Excited for the possibilities!

Before the fence:

During the fence building:

And after:

Update on adventures in gardening:)

Some may say I'm easily entertained and I wouldn't disagree with them......but seriously growing a garden has been so awesome. Not that it hasn't been a hard work, but it's rewarding work. I mean just look how beautiful growing food is!!

I've been fascinated at the small stuff and I may be the only one, but watching how plants grow up a trellis without any help is just pretty cool. haha I've been around gardens a lot and even helped pick from them, but I guess because I was never responsible for taking care of it, so I didn't notice all the details God has so perfectly designed. These little vine 'arm' things just grow off the plant searching for anything to attach to so the plant can grow upward and it's neat to watch how fast they can wrap around plus how sturdy they are.

Also didn't realize vegetable plants grow flowers right where the vegetable itself begins to bud and grow.

So now we've come pretty full circle from seed to harvest just waiting for a few slow growers to start producing fruit.....here's a look at the garden from a little over a month ago and its grown A LOT since then as you can see.

Oh, and here's one of my cute little helper.

What to do in the waiting.

The waiting is the hardest part. I've found that statement to be painfully true in my life over the past year. Times like these put to test if my faith is really believing without seeing. Sometimes I want so badly for God's plan to line up with mine(not the other way around)....sometimes the desire for a baby and for Breyton to have a sibling "before it's too late" is overwhelming. Unexpectedly struggling to conceive and then miscarriage are a grief that seems to come in waves.

Some days I'm ok, some days I'm great....and some days the tears flow so so easily.

Each day seems to be a battle in my mind where satan is trying to steal the hope I have and replace it with fear and worry. I'm constantly having to choose what truths and what lies I will believe. Because the fact is the future is unknown......I don't know if or when we will be holding a new baby in our arms, but I do know my God is a God who loves me and promises that He has my best in mind. Does that mean the road is gonna be easy? Oh, how I wish it was...but I read a statement awhile back that I believe is true: God is more concerned with our holiness than our happiness. 

I wish everyday I could easily focus on how God is orchestrating this plan so much bigger than I could grasp and that one day it will all be clear to me....but I can't always...some days I feel stuck in the waiting.

 A place I wouldn't choose to be.

However, I can find comfort knowing this is exactly where God would have me to be. There is so much to be learned in the waiting. If we can choose to let go of the bitterness, the fears, the dashed hopes....then God can show us so much here. We can find a faith, a trust, a hope, a peace in the 'valley's' of life that we wouldn't be forced to learn on the 'mountaintop'.  I won't try to pretend that I don't have doubts, but I can say I have grown spiritually during this trial in ways I can't describe. So what would God have me to do in the waiting?.....Trust. Pray. Listen. Devote myself to his Word. Fill myself with the hope and truths I know I have in Him. And wait.  I can say, for today, God's promises are enough.

......and because God seems to speak to me through music quite often here's the lyrics to a long time favorite song that has resignated so close to my heart lately. 

"Blessings" by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Wonderful week:)

It has been such a blessed past week  There were a few hard days thrown in there were sadness about our loss can over take me, but as always God is right there with reminders that He is working out a much bigger plan than I can imagine. No doubt I serve an amazing God...no matter the circumstances.

We have been so busy lately which I suppose is a blessing in some ways and thankfully most of it has been fun activities! Breyton and I have gotten to enjoy a crazy amount of outdoor time which we both love! Today we were probably indoors for 1-2 hours total. I'm lucky he'd rather be outside than watching tv anytime!

 We have gone swimming several times in the past week between the in-laws house and great friends and we love every minute in the pool! My niece also came to stay the night this past weekend along with my brother and sis-in-law and I just love all 3 of them...Breyton loves seeing them especially miss Brooklynn and she loves him too! We are so thankful for the miracle she is and how well she is doing is through many answered prayers. She started crawling this past weekend and is making leaps and bounds in every area:) Saturday I got to see two of my best friends and spent the morning at the zoo then enjoyed dinner that night plus icecream afterwards.

Thankful for this week full of sun, swimming, bike rides, baseball, food, and beautiful sunrises and sunsets.....and of course having such wonderful people in my life to share it all with.

Things to remember-April

With everything that's happened and the madness of May I forgot to publish the post I had typed for the little things I loved about Breyton for April.

1) The new tree swing. Breyton has really loved this swing his papa made him. We have spent many hours swinging and 'spinning' on this swing already and I see many more memories in the future.

 2)At the beginning of April I got sick and B was so sweet and caring. He would come check on me and give me kisses and 'love pats'.

3)We finally got a hammock since I've been wanting one for years lol. Breyton really likes laying in it with me and the dog....and I intend to plan some 'outside' nap times if he cooperates!:)

4)We spent a lot of time playing with playdoh this past month and Breyton likes to tell me different animals to create. His favorite oddly was tadpoles haha which makes it pretty easy for me. I guess since he played with tadpoles at Grammy's hes kind of been obsessed with tadpoles and frogs.

5) I've been taking a break from cutting B's hair and  letting it grow....so we had our first instance of him cutting his own hair the other day! Luckily it wasn't in a very noticeable spot, but the scissors are in a much higher spot since he seems to be taller than I realized!

6)Breyton has really been liking time with his daddy more and more. He asks for Mason at random times everyday asking "where's daddy at?" and if "daddy is sleeping?".

7) Most popular sayings of  his this month have been exclaiming "Oh, man!" anytime something happens and asking "What you doin?". Also loves to talk about how he is "growing big and up high!"..he tells me all the time how hes getting big and that his tummy is growing after he eats!

8)Lastly he has had fun watching our garden grow and his favorite is definitely watering the plants!
                    Garden as of April-Green beans are growing the fastest currently!

The hurt and The Healer

It's the word nobody wants to say...not the ultrasound tech, the Dr, friends, or family...not even myself or my husband.

 Miscarriage.

It's like if we don't talk about it then you pretend it's not real. It is real. The questions are real. The pain is very real.

Past few days have been the hardest of my life and this journey of grief is far from over, however God is already guiding us on His path in the midst of it all. I'm choosing to not hide away in silence with this miscarriage.... though it seems as if it's some unspoken rule in society that the loss of a baby is supposed to be swept under the rug. Some may not understand how you can mourn for someone you've never met. There's no doubt that it's a hard subject, so really it's easiest if people don't try to 'fix it' because in reality only God can heal this hurt. God is showing me to be more open instead of hiding this grief, so He will have the opportunity to use this for His glory. I'm already thankful for my family and friends for their prayers and support...mostly my husband for grieving with me and holding me when all I could do was sob.

I've cried till there are no tears left just wondering 'why!?' and yet I do have unwavering faith in God's ultimate plan. The moment I found out this pregnancy was likely over I was laying on the ultrasound table and just remember staring at the ceiling feeling numb thinking this wasn't possible. This wasn't happening to us and this baby. After trying for 11 months to get pregnant I just knew this was God's perfect timing and I have been floating through this pregnancy with a joy that's indescribable. We were just so ready for another baby and in this past month we already had this baby's whole life practically planned with names picked out, room decor, holidays with new baby, on and on. There will be so many reminders of what might have been and already getting on this blog seeing the 'announcement' I had typed up a month ago to share our joy with the world when the time was right stirs up such heartache.

Now it's all just over....we have to pick up the pieces and try to move on through all the 'could have beens'.

When I got in the car after walking out of the hospital this song came on and I could feel God putting his arms around me as he watched his child cry out and I know without a doubt how much he cares....He will be walking through all of this with me.

Mercy Me- The Hurt and The Healer

"Why? The question that is never far away The healing doesn’t come from the explained Jesus please don’t let this go in vain You’re all I have All that remains So here I am What’s left of me Where glory meets my suffering I’m alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide Breathe Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do Pain so deep that I can hardly move Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You Lord take hold and pull me through So here I am What’s left of me Where glory meets my suffering I’m alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I’ve fallen into your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here When the hurt and the healer collide [x2] Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here" I hope this provides hope for someone else who may be going through a dark time that, in time, God can make beauty from ashes. Thank you Jesus for carrying us when we can't seem to move, for being the ultimate Healer, for providing a comfort and peace only you can provide, for speaking to us just when we need to hear it most....and for being a loving Father that does not waste a sorrow.

Bedtime Chatter

I hope I never forget the conversations and memories made with 2.5 yr old Breyton at bedtime. We really look forward to bedtime around here and I can honestly say its not because B is going to sleep usually, but its the time the 3 of us get to do the most bonding. Between getting on pj's, brushing teeth, reading books, Mason and B wrestling around(even though they aren't supposed to at bed), saying prayers, and getting tucked in we spend about 30-40 minutes on B's bedtime routine.

Then the best part is when the lights are out and your laying in bed with him helping him settle down from the day and he just 'chats' with you. Breyton LOOOVES to talk all the time and rarely stops, but this is when B is super sweet! He will tell you he "wuvs you" 10 times and hug you neck tight and give you kisses. Then he always asks for me or dad to "stay, don't leave, lay with me"...because typically we leave right when he's drowsy not asleep, but some nights you can't help but stay since he asks so sweetly.

Tonight I layed with him, though typically Mason does, and he just went on and on about the most random things.
Our convo was something like this:

B-"Momma? Daddy go to sleep?"

Me- "Yes he did."

B-"Grammy and Gramps asleep? Mims and Papa asleep?"

Me-"Yes, they are about to be."

B-"Frogs asleep?, Daddy frogs and baby frogs?"
"Lizard asleep, coyotes asleep?"

Me- "Yes, time for you to go to sleep...."

B-"Ok I go to sleep, Im quiet"....silence......."I mowed the yard today"

Me-"Yup, you and daddy did and you did a great job"

B-"Momma I wuv you!"

Me- "I love you so much too!"

B- "The moon is out?, its dark outside?...I'm comfy....I'm cold"..."I need a blanket on"...."is the fan broke?"

Me-"No, its working"

B-"Don't leave mama, I wuv you"..."Give me love pats"

Me- "Ok,  I'm not leaving yet and I love you."

B-"Mama, I'm cute!"...."I wanna grow big"...."I go to sleep now"...."Where's the frogs at?"
    "I'm so tired"...."Night mama"

And really that's just 2 minutes of the 15 minute conversation we had....and I smiled through most of it because I love to hear the things that pop into his little mind at the end of the day! After he was asleep since Mason is asleep I couldn't help, but go watch him sleep for a minute. Then my emotional self started crying and crying about how he's going to grow up and not want to lay with 'mama' anymore talking about his day.....lol I'm a little crazy.:)

Its true though and they say you grow to love someone more each day even though you think it's not possible! But I loved Breyton more than life itself from the moment he was born... really more like since the moment I found out I was pregnant yet each day I do love him more and more......because we are growing  a relationship and a bond.

He's my little shadow, my buddy...and my son.

I wouldn't trade anything in the world for my time with him.