What to do in the waiting.

The waiting is the hardest part. I've found that statement to be painfully true in my life over the past year. Times like these put to test if my faith is really believing without seeing. Sometimes I want so badly for God's plan to line up with mine(not the other way around)....sometimes the desire for a baby and for Breyton to have a sibling "before it's too late" is overwhelming. Unexpectedly struggling to conceive and then miscarriage are a grief that seems to come in waves.

Some days I'm ok, some days I'm great....and some days the tears flow so so easily.

Each day seems to be a battle in my mind where satan is trying to steal the hope I have and replace it with fear and worry. I'm constantly having to choose what truths and what lies I will believe. Because the fact is the future is unknown......I don't know if or when we will be holding a new baby in our arms, but I do know my God is a God who loves me and promises that He has my best in mind. Does that mean the road is gonna be easy? Oh, how I wish it was...but I read a statement awhile back that I believe is true: God is more concerned with our holiness than our happiness. 

I wish everyday I could easily focus on how God is orchestrating this plan so much bigger than I could grasp and that one day it will all be clear to me....but I can't always...some days I feel stuck in the waiting.

 A place I wouldn't choose to be.

However, I can find comfort knowing this is exactly where God would have me to be. There is so much to be learned in the waiting. If we can choose to let go of the bitterness, the fears, the dashed hopes....then God can show us so much here. We can find a faith, a trust, a hope, a peace in the 'valley's' of life that we wouldn't be forced to learn on the 'mountaintop'.  I won't try to pretend that I don't have doubts, but I can say I have grown spiritually during this trial in ways I can't describe. So what would God have me to do in the waiting?.....Trust. Pray. Listen. Devote myself to his Word. Fill myself with the hope and truths I know I have in Him. And wait.  I can say, for today, God's promises are enough.

......and because God seems to speak to me through music quite often here's the lyrics to a long time favorite song that has resignated so close to my heart lately. 

"Blessings" by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise