Foster care about did me in this past year, but God carried me through just like He did every year before that. I know it’s so easy to post about our ‘highs’, so I just want to be honest and say how incredibly hard this journey still is. I don’t follow God and have faith in Him because life is easy..actually the opposite...I need God to get through every single day. Losing my bother to addiction, moving, taking in a sibling group of 3, while in the middle of adopting Evie, multiple biological parents leaning heavily on us, and all the trauma these kids had to endure coming out in ugly heartbreaking ways. Amongst other things not listed here. Each moment so full of joy is always mixed with some heartbreak. Oh how I’ve learned there is nothing good in me apart from the goodness of God at work in me. I wake up and have selfish thoughts many days and don’t want to pour out myself another day on the behalf of someone else.....the ONLY way this is possible is because of God. We love because He first loved us. That is it. No other motivation could keep me walking out this calling on the hardest days. The days when I am just. so done. Sometimes I get focused on how hard all this is for me and need a reality check of how hard this is for the girls. 

Friday I was so proud watching K get superintendents honor roll! This girl has amazed me coming from failing and being held back twice to literally being the highest achiever in her class. There is this excitement in her accomplishment, but this heartache in that the person she really wanted to be there in the crowd cheering for her isn’t. Her sister came home from school last week showing me all her schoolwork and pulls out her MLK paper that’s says, ‘I have a dream’ at the top with a fill in the blank and she wrote “I dream that one day it will be safe to go back to my mom”. When she handed it to me she said, “My dream will probably never come true though.” Knowing this is likely the case your heart shatters yet again for a little girls pain that words can’t possibly fix. This week having their bio mom message me and she is having another ‘good streak’ while things have been crumbling all around her for so long and sometimes it’s just too little too late. I spent so much of Friday crying because I think walking with her as she rises and falls over and over brings back the same hope and pain I had watching my brother struggle in his addiction. Having a front seat watching how drugs destroy a person and tear a part the lives of almost everyone around them is almost unbearable ...addiction is one of the closest things to living hell I can imagine. It gets so incredibly heavy watching someone literally losing their life and you just want to scream and shake them to make them stop before it’s too late. Meanwhile decisions have to be made for her girls as someone has to pick up the pieces and life has to go on. These 3 sisters have been with us longer than any foster placement. The ‘baby’ walked into our home as an 18 month old and will walk out as smart sassy 3 year old. I spent so much time hoping for a quicker resolution because I knew with more time would come more pain. The clock is ticking for when they will leave our home forever and pretty much anytime I’m alone and think about it I spend a good while crying over it. Our hearts will break, but it will have been worth it. There is so much to say about their time in our family, but it will have to be a separate post.😅 There are still many unknowns with this case and the past month I don’t even know what to pray for anymore as there is now so much wrapped up in this that no matter what happens somebody gets hurt. I literally just have to pray His will be done. God sees the whole picture and it’s somehow working towards a beautiful end. 

I will keep praying and showing up even when every single day is so hard and I don’t know if I can do this. Day by day God will carry us through just like He did for every single day of the last 495 days since our paths first met. Because I’m telling you this time last year I wouldn’t have believed you if you had told me we’d make it this far. Many of the things I feared most in this case have happened and God was already there making a way when there seemed no way. Conversations I had to have that I made myself lose sleep over and be so stressed about were actually moments Gods presence and plan were more clearly seen. So whatever may come Gods grace will continue to meet us there. There is a battle raging all around, but I know the war is already won. That doesn’t mean we can stop fighting though....people all around desperately needing others praying and interceding on their behalf for God to do what only He can and make beauty from ashes. So stay the course, don’t give up, fix your eyes on Jesus and your mountain may not be moved but God will give you a strength inside of you that you didn’t know you had to climb it. Day by day, sometimes minute by minute, you will get through this. Then one day you’ll look back and realize each day isn’t quite so hard anymore and because of the fire you walked through your understanding of Gods love is so much stronger and purer. Tested and refined by fire and more grounded and rooted in God than ever before. You will be able to look back and thank Him...for even this. The very thing you begged Him to remove you from became the thing that pushed you into the One you needed most. This season has taught me at the end of yourself there really is God. ❤️❤️

Here is the short version of the story of how Evie joined our family.  

To start we were in the middle of pursing an international adoption. Almost finished with home study portion which has to be done before you can be matched with a child. 

The very same day our home study was being completed the boys friends from down the street were at our house playing in the backyard. Sean went down the zip line in our back yard and went at the wrong angle and got a gash on his back from a tree branch. The mother of the boys friends worked in the medical field, so she said she would come look at it and make sure it didn’t need stitches and bring some butterfly bandages and stuff down that I didn’t have on hand. Given she and I had spent time talking in the neighborhood she had never really been into my house, so this wasn’t a regular occurrence. While she was there looking at Sean she asked about how our adoption process was going. I explained our home study would be done today and that we were pursuing a child in the Philippines. SO WHILE she was on my couch talking my phone started ringing and it was our adoption agency. I excuse myself go into the other room and answer and our caseworker says that I might want to sit down, but she has a question for me and wants us to pray over it. She says she knows we were pursuing international adoption, but they just had a 5 year old little girl abandoned by her mother and wanted to know if we would consider taking her! She went on to say they had no other families home study certified (I believe in the whole state) that would consider a child over the age of 3, so they wanted to at least reach out to us. They told me the child’s  name, but really nothing else at that point. I tell her I will call my husband at work to talk to him and then call her back to discuss it further. I call Mason and tell him everything, but I’m not confident what to do as this is such a big decision and so unexpected. Mason always being the steady reasonable one says, “God called us to provide a home and family to a child who needs it...this little girl needs a home right now, so we just say yes and God works out the rest.” So simple to him, but I was going to overthink it to make sure we made the ‘right’ decision. 😜

Meanwhile my neighbor is still in the other room so I go back in there trying to act like nothing happened because at this point it was a private matter and not an appropriate time to just spill everything. She continues talking and says, “Yeah, we were going to do an international adoption and then God just interrupted it when we got a call about a 5 year old girl needing a home locally.” This is referring to their now 17 year old daughter who I knew was adopted but didn’t know the story behind it. Needless to say the hair on my arms started to stand up.😱😱😭There was no doubting for me anymore what God was telling us to do. I called back our agency and told them “yes!”. Afterwards since a name was all I had at this point I thought Evangeline was beautiful and unusual name, so I looked up the meaning of the name and this is what popped up- “bearer of good news” ❤️

I can’t go into the rest of the story of Evie’s life before joining our family it is heartbreaking, but it is part of her story and not mine to tell.  Nor do I have time to explain all the laws on how things like this work, but yes this is legal and the mother has the right to choose private adoption if they still have custody of the child instead of the alternative of them being taken into the foster care system. They also have at least 6 weeks to change their mind and choose to get help and not to place their child for adoption. Evie’s biological mom never changed her mind(and was in a mess with some really bad circumstances with upcoming/pending prison time) and no other biological family member would come forward, so a year later Evie’s adoption was finalized. 

I still remember driving to meet her and bring her home. That day in and of itself was crazy starting with scrambling to get all the paperwork done for us to take guardianship of Evie so quickly, Mason being called out to work, then followed with me having to take another kid to the ER for stitches and having to delay picking Evie up an hour past the scheduled time. The enemy really tried to make that day super stressful but all during it and the drive to and from picking her up I had a peace that could only come from God.. Also, with the adoption happening much quicker than an international adoption timeline we had to have the $20,000 much quicker than anticipated and once again God provided through the generosity of others so that we always had what we needed when we needed it. It has not been all smooth sailing by any means, but I am so grateful we could see Gods hand guiding us all through the process. 

Fixing my eyes.

It’s human nature to want to run from things that are uncomfortable, scary, and hard.  More often than not everything in me has wanted to run from the situations I find myself or my family in when it comes to foster care. Then I remind myself these kids don’t have that choice. They can’t walk away from the brokenness they were born into and as a follower of Christ it’s my calling to walk along side those who need Christ’s love. 

So I read this quote and it made me stop and think:

“Losses can wake you

to the meaningfulness of what was,

& why it deeply mattered,

&  what message you want to live now.”

The loss of my brother through addiction is still a pain my family walks through everyday. It’s a daily reminder of the brevity of life. That death or addiction doesn’t discriminate. I still don’t understand the reason the road had to end the way it did but I’ve come to a place where I can rest in not having that answer. I get to choose whether to be bitter or use this, even this, the very thing that caused so much pain for Gods glory. I trust God is loving and good. I see how much I love my own kids and know God’s love for us, his children, is SO much greater than that...so how could anything He gives us be less than loving and merciful....and who are we to say different? I don’t have to understand it to choose to believe it. 

So the real question I need to be asking isn’t “why God” but what do you want me to do in the wake of our own tragedy?  

I know this....having someone I love dearly be trapped in addiction and seeing the places drugs can take a once loving kind person...gives me a compassion and mercy for the bio parents of kids in my home that I would have never had otherwise. Yes, I can be angry at how they have hurt their children, but I can also give grace for the battle they face. Most of them with a painful background themselves without a loving or supportive family to turn to. I let myself get so weary of the fight and having a front row seat over and over again to how drugs destroy. I know the Bible says to not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will see a harvest. I cling to that because the past 7 years of fostering has been a revolving door of welcoming pain and heartache into our home and I don’t always get to see the fruit of the labor, but have to trust it’s not in vain. Today my heart is heavy for the 3 girls in my home and their other momma. I long so badly to see her find the hope that is in Christ and overcome her addiction and to see the joy of them being reunited. Currently we are headed in the opposite direction and honestly I’ve let fear get too much of my time lately. I’m scared to walk these girls through the pain of the possible road ahead. This is where I have really wanted to turn away and not face this heartache...but I also know God has placed them here for a purpose and if the time comes He will give us all the strength and wisdom to walk this road. God will not lead us where He is not. I also have to focus on the fact that God loves these girls more than I do and He’s not up there wondering how this is all gonna work out. God never leaves a situation broken and messy, so if it’s not ‘good’ then it’s not the end...what I may see as the end will just be the start of something beautiful. God has been so faithful to us through the years so why would I think the future holds anything less. That is something I have to do....look back at God’s past faithfulness to get us through dark times and know whatever comes He is still the same.  The very place I live is one such reminder of God’s grace towards me to surround me with families walking similar paths. I can look all around and know we are not alone in this journey. Pain and heartache are very real, but so is hope! Beauty from ashes. Hope from despair. This is who God is. I’ve seen it over and over. Things may seem dark in the world right now, but God’s light will overcome any darkness. In the meantime abiding in God means I can have real peace and joy in the midst of any circumstance IF I fill my life with God’s truth and promises. I have to fix my eyes on Jesus and make a stand on what I believe no matter what I see. For the Bible tells us that right now we see in part, but one day we will see in full and there will be no more pain, sadness, or sorrow. The coming joy of that day will get me though any day in this world as this is not my home. God IS good and I will praise Him always. 

God is good, I’m not.

It’s now April 2019 and I can look back to just one year ago of April 2018 and be shocked at how much has happened in a seemingly short time. I can also see how I am not even close to the same person I was then. My world has been turned upside down over the last year and with it so has my walk with my Savior. I really get what Paul means when he says this side of eternity we will never obtain perfection or ‘arrive’ in our christian walk, but it is the goal that we continually press on towards Jesus. Sometimes I think I ‘get it’ then life throws curveballs or knocks me off my feet completely and I have to choose to grow my roots down deeper in Gods truth just to hang on.....and sometimes I have to learn some of the same lessons all over again it seems. I have found the past year to be a refining fire in my life...a very very hot fire lol. I’ve been surprised what ugly sides of me can come out when trying to lay down my life for Christ- laying down my dreams of my brother being healed this side of eternity, laying down my plans of ‘only’ having 3 kids, my desires, my time. If I’m honest there are a lot of moments this past year that I have not liked who I am. It’s in this that it has become so clear to me how desperate my need for a savior is. It’s also here that Gods unconditional love and grace towards me amazes me- and changes me. I might have thought I was a ‘good’ person in the past when I tried to keep my life semi comfortable... but I’m finding real character comes out when things get REALLY difficult. Foster care has never been an easy journey for me and I have fought it so many times along the way, but maybe just taking in one extra kid I started to think “I” could handle it.....but add in losing a loved one, moving, selling a house, new town/school, and having 4 new kids living in your home bringing out all their trauma/heartache on you and the ones you love means things can’t be all tied up with a pretty bow. When everyday is a struggle of choosing to persevere in the thing God has called me to do that’s when my selfishness really surfaces. The irony that inviting brokenness into my home is what has really showed me how broken I am. That’s why I can say without a doubt that I am just as in need of the gospel as the addicted bio mom of my girls. In fact most people who think they are ‘good’ are really more in need of a savior than the person who is at rock bottom broken over their sin.  It’s a really dangerous place to be to think you are a ‘good’ person.  Only one was ever truly good and his name was Jesus. 

In myself I. am. not. sufficient. for the task he has asked me to do, but he doesn’t leave me to carry it out alone. In Him we are given love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, kindness, and self- control and because of his continuous work in me I can display these qualities to others. Apart from daily abiding in Him I would become the opposite of these things. I pray I live everyday of my life knowing the price Jesus paid for me- even in my sin- and that I can offer a small reflection of that grace to the people He places in my life. That if Jesus, THE KING, came to serve choosing to spend his days with the outcasts, the misfits, washing dirty feet, and ultimately laying down his life for me then how could I think I deserve to spend my days in comfort or ease. The very kids I might have thought I was ‘saving’ are saving me from myself by pushing me more into my need for Christ. 

Lord, thank you for not leaving me where I was, but for coming to me in my mess.  

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer”Romans 12:12

This season I’ve been in and prayfully am coming out of has been so hard.  I am so grateful for my husband more than ever this past year- his steadfastness when so much felt like it was crumbling meant more to me than he will ever know. ❤️

2018 was a fight for me internally and this battle of proving what I say I believe I actually believe. That I still trust that God is good when things don’t turn out ‘good’. Yes, even when worst case scenario seems to play out. Oh, I’ve been through hard seasons before, but what I walked through last year seemed almost unbearable at times. It wasn’t only the death of my brother it was so much more with this journey of foster care and life that was almost too heavy of a burden to carry. I don’t want to overlook that there were moments of joy this past year, but even in those moments there was this heaviness. I know so many others going through such hard struggles as well and I am thankful I can say Jesus is always faithful..even in those darkest moments.

Fostering for us has always been about Jesus. He is the reason why we do it and how we get through it. 

This is the reality of foster care-“While our ‘flesh’ and the world says pursue comfort and safety at all costs, this means purposefully enduring great cost so others might know comfort and safety. While the world says insulate and isolate your kids from the brokenness of the world around you, foster care means you welcome that brokenness into your family and provide it a safe and loving place to call home. You are flipping the script on everything that is expected and normal – and it’s hard..and beautiful.” 

I can’t unsee the things I have seen and unhear the things I have heard. These kids stories and heartaches keep me up at night and give me a pit in my stomach most days. Then you repeat all this with each new child and each new story. After so many years I had let it all weigh my heart down too much.

But thank you Jesus that weight isn’t mine to carry.....as Jesus already came down to save us from all this mess and gave us the hope of an eternity with him in heaven. Trust me I know that doesn’t make things easy this side of heaven, but that hope is what I can cling to. He also promises us supernatural strength, peace, and, yes, even joy as we walk through hard things. I have experienced it over and over again.

None of this is going to go away. My brother is not coming back and there isn’t going to stop being broken families and abused and neglected children caught in the middle of so much pain- until Jesus returns. BUT I do have all I need in Christ to walk the path he has asked me to walk. It is because of Him and by abiding in Him that I can face whatever lies ahead and still have joy. Thank goodness for JOY- it’s not based on our current circumstances it’s based on what Christ already did for us. So it can’t be taken from me. Praise God for that.

My prayer is that I focus on choosing joy and gratitude in all things and that the Lord keeps refining me through all this....trust me parenting seven kids from all different walks of life is a refining/sanctifying process.....and my goal is to love like He loves, and not expect anything in return. To be more like Jesus should be my only aim. 

And he[Jesus] said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

Even if

It’s been so long since I wrote- devastating and amazing things have happened this year and I’m often torn between the emotions of the two and not wanting one to overshadow the other. Allowing myself to desperately miss my brother and grieve the ending that didn’t come, but also praise God and find joy in this life I’ve been given. It has almost been 4 months since my brother passed. As the months go on the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my relationship with God is let go of my grip on knowing ‘why’ and really believe His ways are higher than mine and that He doesn’t have to explain them to me. Daily I have to say it doesn’t matter if I ever know why my brother wasn’t healed on this side of eternity...because I know you God and that is enough. I know in the end there is nowhere else I would turn and no one else I can run to and oh how God has pursued me and proven himself to me over and over. That doesn’t mean I don’t get mad and I don’t question God, but even through tears I fight for my faith and say, “I trust you still.”

I know with my brothers birthday coming up and the holidays that things are going to get harder before they get easier, but I can say with confidence that His grace is sufficient and His Love is enough......because even now God’s faithfulness has been overwhelming and carried me and provided for us in ways that I could not have fathomed. Our adoption of Evie and our move to Peppers Ranch are a reminder to me of the Bible verse Ephesians 3:20 “to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think”. In the face of devastating loss God prepared in advance miracles that would remind me daily of His amazing goodness. One year ago we started our journey towards our 2nd adoption knowing that it could cost between $20-30k, but taking that step of faith we trusted God would provide. I remember hoping just to get an adoption grant or two to help with the cost....God did abundantly more than that and provided every single penny through generous donations from friends and anonymous  people, receiving 4 adoption grants, and then the tax credit we get back for adoption expenses will have covered all fees. Even in the little things as Evie’s hospital bill for her stitches was about $600 and 2 days prior to receiving the bill we got an unexpected check in the mail for almost the exact amount. It’s crazy to me to think we thought we were going to be giving up so much financially to follow in obedience, but God showed up and poured out more than we dared to even ask. Then there is the opportunity to live at Peppers Ranch...I don’t want to gloss over or minimize how God provided a way for us to live out the desire He placed on our hearts to care for orphans while abundantly being provided for and with the kind of community and support we could have never imagined- it’s too much to even list here. Truly above what we could ask or think. 

Speaking of Peppers Ranch I should also give a short update on our fostering journey. Back in August we accepted placement of siblings- a brother(8yrs) and sister(6yrs). This past week the brother moved on to be with his dad and long story short his sister will be joining him the first week of December. This is due to them being half brother/sister and additional approval being needed to move her since she has no biological relation. The same day we found out our foster son was moving we got a call about 3 sisters that were being picked up and they were having to be separated as there were no homes to keep them together. For me there was some hesitation because the youngest was only 18 months and I wasn’t sure I wanted to go back to the baby stage of having someone home full time with me since Lyla just started school. After praying about it we both agreed we had a peace about saying yes. So this past Thursday they joined our family. They are three amazing girls and have already been a blessing to our family. The ‘baby’ that I was worried about taking on has been such a joy- I seriously love her. She makes allll of us smile a million times a day...and is smothered in love by everyone. Needless to say God is already there- wherever He calls us He is ahead of us working out the details and I’m so grateful for the life we have now because of obedience to God’s call on our life. I know it may sound like a crazy life, but it really is our best life.

Adoption update

I know several of you have asked me in person and others are still wondering what is going on with our adoption process. Here is an update:

Yes, we have had a new little girl living with us for a few weeks now and until we can tell you her name she is known as E😊

Things continue to take a fast pace with E’s case. Her biological mom has already relinquished her rights in court. Due to privacy reasons and to protect E- as this is her story and not one I intend to share all the details of on any public forum- I can’t say too much. We did meet bio mom for the first time earlier this week and pray we can have a continued relationship there in some form. She is firm in her decision to place her child for adoption and not willing to discuss any other options. After hearing more of her story, even though it is such a hard thing to comprehend in her circumstances she is doing what is best for E. No other family that has been contacted is willing to step forward. From the beginning this is honestly not what I had prayed for as it’s heartbreaking on so many levels. We prayed for a change of circumstances for bio mom or for a wonderful family member to come forward for E to be able to stay within family. We do not take adoption lightly and do not go into adoption(or foster care) against the biological family, but root for them. For us this is not simply about wanting to add a child to our family, but God willing to fill in a gap for a child who has no other option. That is now proving to be the case for E.  This is not a foster care adoption, but for legal reasons has to be a private adoption, so there are still many fees associated. Specific prayer needs right now would be for E and her mom as they deal with the emotions of all of this. Also,that we get one of the adoption grants we applied for. If no other family comes forward then we were notified we will take placement the 17th of April- this is basically like guardianship as a child has to have a legal guardian and if no family is willing to do it then we are the agencies next option. The adoption would not be finalized until a waiting period has happened(around 7 months), but the $13,000-14,000 left we will owe in fees are due at placement. It does seem like a lot, but the more I learn I can see how the fees add up. The amount of man hours put into tracking down family and then attorney/lawyer fees to make sure the adoption is necessary, ethical, and legal all add up. Obviously, we didn’t have as long of a time frame to save up, so getting one of these grants would be such a blessing and help us be able to focus our time/attention on helping our daughter heal.

As for our international adoption process we were not so far in that we were fully committed to the Philippines- meaning we hadn’t been matched with a child yet. Our application for our international agency can be placed on hold and picked back up in a couple of years. God willing we could still pursue an international adoption down the road- that’s all an IF because I don’t intend to make plans that far in advance as to what God may or may not do.😉

For now, God has opened a door we did not expect! We will continue to keep our door open in obedience and let our sovereign all knowing God work out all the rest. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

God has been orchestrating the details for us and E long before we knew what would happen. To be in this exact moment at the exact time needed. For E to have a family that God was preparing to be ready to love her and accept her unconditionally right when she needed it. He is faithful.

Love crosses oceans

"International adoption? Are you crazy?"

Yes, we are adopting again and yes we may be crazy. 😉 

Before I start we want you to hear this: when we adopt, it's God's idea.

We are not adopting because we think we can save the world- Jesus already did that and until He returns we will live in a broken world with sin.

 We do not think we are somehow superior parents and have it all figured out. We are sinners and have sinful children just like anyone else and we have to strive everyday to point them to Jesus. We are learning along with them how to get rid of pride and selfishness...and to choose daily to ‘die’ to ourselves and make having love and compassion for others a priority. I love this quote by Jonathon Edwards "We contribute nothing to our salvation except the sin that made it necessary." So we just want it to be clear it is out of God's love and what He has already done for us that changes our hearts and breaks our hearts for what breaks His. In this we can take no credit. 

And no we don’t think everyone is called to foster/adopt, but our family is at this time. I do believe we are all called to care for orphans, widows, and the oppressed, and I don’t need to clarify all the different ways that can manifest. That’s why it’s called the BODY of Christ. We all have a role and it looks different for everyone. We're passionate about the least of these and we believe God cares deeply for them, so yes we want as many loving families as possible to step up and care for them and I will likely talk about it to bring awareness to it until the day I die.....but more than that we know each of us will stand before God one day face to face, so we pray each of us as individuals will have a close relationship with God where we listen to the Holy Spirit and act obediently to whatever it is He calls us to do. That’s what makes the body of Christ beautiful. 

So here we go with a little bit of the back story, we've known God wasn't done for a while and for the past two years have known that He was leading us to this..we just didn't know what the path would look like. God did specifically lay some details on our hearts about adopting a 'waiting child', but I will explain that further another time.😊 We have spent a lot of time in prayer and looking into all of our options waiting for God to reveal to us which path.

When we first looked into adoption at age 22 we didn't qualify to adopt internationally due to age. Clearly foster care was undoubtedly where God led us to Sean and where he called us to stay for the past 5 years. As our reassessment came due this year a series of events triggered us to pause and realize God may have different plans. The first was seeing with our own eyes the extreme poverty of a 3rd world country back in January- when we saw kids the same age as ours digging through a landfill for food it deeply affected us. Though nothing seemed great about the timing we knew God was calling us to pursue international adoption. The biggest roadblock seemed to be that on one income we couldn't afford to adopt internationally. 

Yeah, how ridiculous of us to tell the God of all the universe with infinite resources that we don't have what we need to follow His calling. 

That's when conviction started laying on our hearts. We realized when it came to buying a house or purchasing a car we didn't think twice about taking out a loan or dropping a big amount of cash to invest in it. Why would we think a child's life is not worth the 'investment'? An actual priceless soul that God calls us to love as we love ourselves. What lengths would I want someone to go if that was me or one of my precious children to make sure we had a safe place with unconditional love to call home. So yes we fully trust God will make a way and provide.... and we will do whatever He asks on our part if it means working extra jobs, selling one of our vehicles/returning to a one vehicle family, cutting back anywhere we can to make it possible.

We already knew one of the main questions we'd get is why international adoption? The answer to that could be different for each family, but for us personally here are the reasons:

1. God clearly called us to. That’s where our child is plain and simple. Trust me we tried to deny it and give excuses at first. Foster care had become familiar and we wanted to stay there. However, when you pray for God's will and for Him to speak to you be ready to accept it whether or not it makes sense. We pray we always stay in tune with the Holy Spirit and when he says something we obey. 
2. As previously mentioned this was a big one for us. The circumstances of orphans in underdeveloped countries is drastically different than the US foster care system. Yes, I'm passionate about foster care - always will be and God willing it will be in our future again. For us the reality that orphans in many countries are not guaranteed food, education, access to healthcare, or clean water for that matter is one of our biggest motivators. Like it or not even the poorest people in the US would be considered wealthy by the standards of most of the world. We do not ever want a child to become an orphan strictly due to poverty if they have a loving family....so we do what we can to support/advocate for children financially to stay in loving families. However, there are many orphans and no denying that they are children who do not just need money, but need a family that will love them unconditionally. 

This quote explains so much of how we feel-

"I admit the orphan crisis is completely overwhelming, the numbers are astounding. It's an ocean-sized problem and we are standing on the shore unsure what to do. But I know the answer. The answer is seeing 'the one'. The 'one' is the child sitting without a family. Because when we look at the whole, we lose sight of the 'one'. 

And what it can never be about, is money, borders or politics. It cannot be about the multitude of numbers or the politics of the day. It must be about the 'one'. The simple picture of one child with a family-sized hole waiting to be filled. 

The following was spoken at the 2013 CAFO Summit by a 30 year old man who aged out of an orphanage where he lived his whole life:

"When I grew up in the orphanage it was Christians who came and built nicer buildings. Christians who bought us beds, clothing and provided money monthly for food. It was a Christian, who wrote a letter in a shoebox, who first told me I was loved. It was the Christians who met all my physical and material needs in that orphanage."

"But it was also Christians who neglected my biggest need. Children in orphanages don't need more money, nicer buildings or better clothes. I am not an orphan because I lost my home or provisions. I am an orphan because I lost my parents. I needed a mom and a dad. I needed a family. Christians treated all my temporary symptoms of need but never cured my longterm disease of being orphan. I am still an orphan."

Lastly, it makes me a little sad to need to add this last part but, it seems necessary because as we have shared where God is leading us in the past we have met some discouraging words. We faced some opposition when we first started foster care, when we initially announced adopting Sean, when we decided to open our home again after his adoption was final, when we decided to take in a teen and her baby, and now this.  I've already grieved the fact that adding a child through fostering or adoption isn’t always welcomed like a child is from your womb. And don’t think I don’t realize the heartache/loss that is wrapped in adoption, but every child deserves to be wanted and celebrated regardless of how they enter your family. We really wish you could know our hearts on this, yet everyone can't intimately know our life, but God does....and each step of obedience has brought us more true joy, faith, and made our marriage and family that much stronger. We are so glad we didn't take any other path. We can look back now and see God's hand in it all!

I don't want to leave out how truly grateful we are to everyone who has been so supportive over the years- we have been truly blessed by so many of you! We also realize the ones who tried to discourage us did it out of love and concern.

Yet, in the end it doesn't matter what we (or anyone else) *think* is best for our lives. We've really had to do some soul searching asking ourselves do we really want to follow our mere finite human perspective on what we think we should do and how we could have our *best* life.......or do we want to entrust it into the hands of the all-knowing, all-powerful, loving Heavenly Father who created us weaving every detail together that He will do what's best if we're obedient? I have seen God come through again and again...and yes there has been suffering on the roads he has asked us to walk, but I can see how it was ultimately for our good (Romans 5:3-5).

We now know we get to experience joy in another opportunity to humble ourselves to witness God's faithfulness and provision as He displays His glory on yet another adventure! 

When it comes down to it the only reason we live and have breath is for a relationship with God- to bring Him glory and praise Him - and we will do it in whatever manner He asks of us. We hope you all will join us in praying for the child God has for us and patience as we head down the long journey of bringing them home!

A little update-When yes seems harder than no.

I came here to spill some thoughts and saw the title of my last post. I had almost forgot the difficult season God had just brought me out of.....in the end it had strengthened my faith...like every trial does. The more you see God come through (or hold you up when it doesn't turn out like you hoped) then the easier it gets to trust Him the next time you feel him calling you to take a step into the unknown.

A lot has happened especially in the past 10 days. With our last foster placements moving out in October we were taking a short break with plans to reopen in January- Lord willing. It had been a great time of 'recouping' by getting to go on an awesome vacation and refocusing on the joy of this season.

Thursday before last I answered my phone and one conversation changed everything. We were presented with the opportunity to take back in our previous foster placement. I can't go into detail of all the events that had transpired over the month and a half since they had left our home, but it had not been good. Honestly, my gut reaction was to say yes...but my head kept reminding me of all the reasons we had to say no. I had just gotten rid of ALL baby items because I was so sure we would not be having a baby come through our home anytime soon(we were set to take on ages 4+ only) . I already had my hands full with three busy children. I did not want to potty train another child for the third year in a row! Then there is the what will our family's say? What will everyone think? Will I go crazy? Lol
All the unknowns and fears around the whole situation seemed overwhelming. After all this could likely be saying yes to forever...and were we ready for that!?

God didn't give me all the answers, but through my husband He made it clear I needed to say yes. The rest would fall into place when it was time. I'm so thankful Mason had such a confidence that this was God's will and that we would make it work. It gave me the strength to say yes even though I was full of doubt and fear. I'm writing all this down to be a reminder to myself and to tell you- of the miracles God has worked in the past 10 days.

Every baby item we needed was given to us: a crib, car seat, highchair, and clothes all provided before we needed them. That's the small stuff though. The big thing was my heart.

God changed my heart in a way that I never could have done on my own. From the moment baby K was back in our home I had a love for her that I couldn't have 'manufactured' on my own. God didn't give me the grace I needed until the very moment that I needed it. As usual He just wanted me to yes even though I didn't have the answers I wanted. Then in that moment He took care of it all. Man, I would have already missed out on so much if I had let my worries or my 'what about me' thoughts get in the way. Our 'fleshly' nature prefers the path of least resistance- It's just that we sometimes take God out of the equation when we let our minds race with excuses and fears.

God has lavishly poured blessings over my heart and attitude the past 11 days. I couldn't put it all in to words because there are no words for some of it...but for example this past Thursday is the day that Sean and Lyla attend a kids day out program at our church and I look forward to my almost weekly few hours 'off'- something I haven't had in 7 years! This week I knew I would have K here while they were gone and normally my reaction would have had a slight pity party that I had to give that up. I did not have those feelings come over me once, but was able to rejoice in the time I had alone with K that day. I know one on one time was a blessing for forming that bond and attachment that she needs right now. I'm telling you this was all God. It is not my natural nature. Lol

Sweet little K is a blessing I didn't know we wanted or needed. God has used her to show me once again that this has nothing to do with me or what I think my limitations are. It's about putting blind faith in my God who has no limitations. He is capable of anything. He multiplies my sleep, He gives me more energy to face each day, He gives my kids a joy in giving a helping hand, and He provides peace in the many unknowns that are left. A peace that I could never have apart from Him.


If your standing on the edge of a big unknown and have the choice to say yes then let me tell you it's worth it. It's never a sacrifice to say yes to God. Even if you will think it is, He can turn it around it to something you never expected. You won't think you can climb the mountain in front of you until you just do it. I truly believe He does not give you the strength or grace for the situation-until you are in it. Then He just shows up in a way that only He can. It defies logic or reasoning, but it's undeniable real.

You won't know it until you experience it for yourself, but I'm telling you what God can do with your 'hard yes' is far better than how safe or comfortable or secure you thought saying 'no' would be.

'I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief.'

As usual it's been awhile since I've wrote. Where to even began, so much has happened! I'll skip the small talk though and get into what is going on recently.

This weekend our teenage foster daughter(T) and her daughter(K) move out. They are being allowed to return to T's bio dad. I haven't talked about them much due to keeping their privacy and I've just had such a heavy heart I have kept it to myself. I have spent the summer wrestling with God on some heavy issues. It can be such a burden to have a heart that so strongly empathizes with others. I can't just go on about my day or life when I hear of tragedy or have it live in my home...and trust me between my husbands job and what he sees daily, being foster parents, and having people in my own family have drug addictions...the tragedies and struggles are all around.  I carry it with me and honestly the weight of it all was just drowning me. The big part of the problem was I couldn't give it to God. It's hard to admit that I was faced with questioning Gods sovereignty and goodness in the face of so much evil around. I guess I feel like I can talk now that I'm coming out of this hard season....I can't say I got the answers I 'wanted', but He gave me what I needed. I can say I truly wrestled and questioned my faith and what I believe and came out more sure than ever that God is God and I am not. He is good. He is loving. He is for us. I have seen it and I choose to believe it even when I can't see it. 

Taking in a teenager has proven to be the most difficult thing God has asked of us and I endured through struggles because I believed the outcome would be worth the struggle. However, here we are at the 'end' of her season in our home and it did not have the outcome I had hoped. I know this doesn't mean our influence in her life is over or that this is really the end...but it sort of feels like it. As they leave I can feel a sigh of relief, but there is the knowing they take a piece of my heart with them. We are tied together now. They have shared our home for 5 months and they aren't just a statistic or a name on a paper, but real people with real souls that matter deeply to us. They may have not have made changes or choices I would have wished for them, but God has used them to greatly change me. 

This verse has been my prayer through many tears hoping that they can overcome generational chains that are so hard to break: "I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!"

‭‭Mark‬ ‭9:24‬ ‭

I love this picture and I am thankful for good moments tucked in between....like how I am so proud of this boy^ who struggles greatly with an entitlement attitude(don't we all though), but I see how he willingly served those in our home. I watched K(the 1 yr old) while T would go to work most afternoons and I had not planned on caring for another baby at this point. I couldn't have done it without the help of my three kiddos! Without being asked they would offer her snacks, get her drinks, hold her hand, bring her toys. They didn't even realize they were getting to be the hands and feet of God with their actions. Though I have spent many nights worrying about the effects of fostering on our children I think I should spend more time worrying about raising kids who lack empathy or have an entitlement attitude towards the blessings we have on a daily basis. 

This week I realized our physical presence in her life may be done for now, but that won't stop the prayers that will go up on her behalf. I have to believe that seeds sown WILL reep a harvest and we may or may not see it....but it will happen. Gods word does not return void. It's a changing of season for us as we close our home again for a little while. We will be open to T and K whenever needed. Just taking a few months to refocus on our family of 5 and enjoy some much anticipated vacations.

Lastly, I wanted to tell you about the 'Compassion Experience'. It's here in town this weekend- ironically in the parking lot of Von Maur at Quail Springs Mall. What a contrast of our excess compared to the worlds poverty. We took the kids this morning and Breyton is at the age where he can understand a little more of what we are seeing. It's a small mobile trailer/tent thing that has replicas of real life 'homes' in the slums of Africa and the Philippines. While you are in there you listen to the true story of a child's life that attended one of Compassion internationals programs in their country. I'm grateful Breyton got to experience that to hopefully make it more real when we recieve letters from the kids we sponsor. That it's truly by the grace of God that we live where we do and that it's our privilege to help others who aren't as fortunate. It's something we GET to do that should bring us much joy. It brings a joy that can't be taken from us that has eternal value compared to the very temporary pleasure we get from spending that money on a material item.  I know this to be true and pray our kids will learn that compassion for others requires action and some self sacrifice. 

"From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more."

Luke 12:48

PS if your considering giving in some way or wandering organizations that we find to be trustworthy we have done research on many...we currently sponsor kids through Compassion International, Komeo, and Childrens Hunger Relief fund. 

Here are few pics from The Compassion Experience this morning.

New life:)

New life IN CHRIST that is:)

Breyton asked Jesus into his heart last Monday and for us it was the most important moment you can have as a parent. My greatest desire is not for my kids to be happy, but to witness first hand that their dad and I without a doubt put Jesus first(even before what made us happy or comfortable).....and then for them to do go and do the same. I feel like I can handle anything else with my kids as long as they come to know Jesus. I had struggled with this a bit knowing I got saved when I was young and Mason was a little bit older. I honestly figured it may be a few more years before Breyton was ready and that would be OK....what mattered is that when he accepted Jesus it was of his own doing(no peer pressure) and that he grasped what it meant as much as he could for his age. Prior to Monday when Breyton and I had conversations about God (or him even saying he wanted to be saved or go to heaven) I occasionally would think how much can an almost 7 year old grasp of the gospel and think it was 'too young'.

After all day spent in God's creation last Monday evening Breyton kept bringing up questions about the world and God. At one point he said, "I wish God could just come live with us"...I responded that God does live in our hearts when we welcome him in. He said he wanted God to live in his heart and asked how can I do that? I began to explain all this means and we had a long discussion. Then I asked if he still wanted to follow through? To which he said yes. Afterwards I realized God doesn't ask us to have full knowledge and wisdom of everything when we accept him. We come as we are. I'm 27 years old and still learning more everyday what it means to have Jesus as Lord of my life and to follow him. So no my 6 year old doesn't have to understand everything right now he just has to have a sincere heart and continue to grow in his love for God. I'm so excited we get to do this along side of him!! Since Monday Breyton continues to ask more everyday and has surprised me with how much he can grasp. Then he has even helped remind me of some truths: He helped me prepare for the caseworker to come re-do our house assessment to open back up for foster care...as we got ready for this I let the boys get comforters for their beds since they have never had them before (they always had mismatched blankets on their bed). I found some on sale and asked Breyton what color he wanted and he picked blue of course. I then realized they were out of blue, but I asked if grey would be ok? Breyton said, "You don't have to ask me mom. Some people don't even have beds, so it doesn't really matter what color my bedding is." Proud to see moments where some of that self-centeredness, which we battle daily, is overcome with a heart that cares for others! He also keeps asking me if something he did honored God and genuinely cares. At bedtime one night we read some psalms and he told me he loved God and would do anything for Him when he grows up. I used to question if I would know when it was real, but how could I ever doubt the transformation of a heart given to God.

Breyton is still a 6 year old boy and will have many moments where he is selfish, rude, disobedient(just like I still do;) BUT thank God we have freedom from being a slave to these things. As he continues to learn more about what following God means the desires of the flesh start to fade and righteous living is what you truly desire. Like Roman 6 tells us: "Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living. Thank God! Once you were slaves of sin, but now you wholeheartedly obey this teaching we have given you. Now you are free from your slavery to sin, and you have become slaves to righteous living."
Romans 6:16-18

Parenting done right and raising up true disciples is the undoubtedly the hardest thing I will ever do. It is also the most rewarding, eternal, privileged opportunity I have been given. Thank you God for glimpses of hope in this dark world and reminders of what really matters!!!

...but Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven."
Matthew 19:14 ESV

One CRAZY week.

So we turned down an offer on our house Friday and we spent this weekend moving back home.

 We are officially crazy. Lol 

This week has definitely been the craziest ones of my life and that's saying something for me;) 

It was at the moment that we were given an offer on our house that the clarity we have been needing came. We knew there would be closing fees etc, but I don't think we had set down and actually calculated how much they would really be. So let me put it in perspective- to pay the buyers Realtors commission(which the seller is expected to do) and pay closing fees the total would be just about $13,000. That's on the current house. Then when we buy land to build or another house we would pay closing costs again bringing our total closer to $17-18k just to move. These totals are just about unavoidable, so even with a wise investment its difficult to truly come out ahead selling a house! We paid a lot in cash down when we bought this house and have a 15 year note which pays off a lot more of your principle and is less of a rip off in the long run;) All that being said we can have this house paid off in 12 years and not waste all that money in fees selling to downsize a little. Mason also got a raise in January that we weren't quite expecting...so now we can live in our home and give away quite a bit more like we were wanting to do when deciding to sell the house. Also, if the point was to be more generous then we can be more generous with the thousands of dollars we would have wasted on so many fees to sell our home. 

Mason had came to this realization about a month ago, but I was being stubborn. I just couldn't believe I felt God had led me to move out just to move back!!!

Then the big deal breaker was my sudden terrible outbreak of hives last week. I've never had hives before in my life nor has anyone in my family, therefore, I didn't even realize that's what they were at first! After dealing with hives that feel like fire ants and itch like crazy for several days along with what felt like an anxiety attack one day I had my emotional breakdown. I had been praying and praying for God to get Mason and I on the same page about the house. After all this was a big decision and I wanted to feel in agreement about what we thought God was leading us to do...though ultimately I would let Mason make the decision either way. I just flat out told God that he needed to make something happen to change one of our hearts. Little did I know that me getting hives like crazy for a week would be one way he would do that..I might have prayed differently haha!! 

The hives themselves caused me to pray like crazy for answers...and finding out they were stress hives that wouldn't go away till I eliminated stress (which was causing my immune system to attack me basically) was a big motivator to surrender. The Dr was telling a women who is married to someone in law enforcement, has three kids, a large dog, living in 800 sq ft, on top of a pile of other life situations that just come up to eliminate all stress. That's just my normal though!;)

Despite all that I knew it was the house situation with my husband that was driving me to have such anxiety though. I needed clarity and rest from it. In my desperation to find relief from hives God led a dear friend who I hadn't seen in awhile to my house and she (along with two others the next day) told me I needed to step down and realize I don't have to have the answers or all the 'whys' figured out. Even though it had crossed my mind it took two people bringing up the story of Abraham and Isaac to remind that sometimes God 'tests' us...just maybe to prepare us for something down the road. I know I was asked to give up my house which I held dearly and in the end I was willing to let that go. It didn't really matter to me all that much after all in comparison to obedience to Christ. And for reasons not all yet revealed we felt led back here. I know we made some friendships in the apartment complex that will continue on and my kiddos made friends with a group of kids that will likely be able to attend church with us in the future and other events like VBS. Those opportunities alone can make it all worth it.

Since turning down the offer we recieved on Friday and surrending my plans to God~even if they didnt look like I thought~ my hives have pretty much disappeared!  Praise God! 

My whole family came up today to visit and we are planning to have some friends over soon and we can start fostering again without as much of a delay. All things not really even possible in the tiny apartment. Today is the 3 year anniversary of Sean being placed in our home as well- always makes Valentine's day worth celebrating!! I forgot so many of the ways this home was such a blessing(also taking many of them for granted) and plan to use it to God's glory as much as possible from here on out!

So....

Here we are three moves later back in the same spot haha, but not the same people! We've learned a lot and let go of so much materially that held us back. Looking forward to what's in store!! Just hoping it doesn't include any more packing and unpacking for awhile:)

Such a fitting song that comes on every time I'm in the car:

"Trust In You"

Letting go of every single dream
I lay each one down at Your feet
Every moment of my wandering
Never changes what You see

I’ve tried to win this war I confess
My hands are weary I need Your rest
Mighty Warrior, King of the fight
No matter what I face, You’re by my side

When You don’t move the mountains I’m needing You to move
When You don’t part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don’t give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Truth is, You know what tomorrow brings
There’s not a day ahead You have not seen
So, in all things be my life and breath
I want what You want Lord and nothing less