Foster care about did me in this past year, but God carried me through just like He did every year before that. I know it’s so easy to post about our ‘highs’, so I just want to be honest and say how incredibly hard this journey still is. I don’t follow God and have faith in Him because life is easy..actually the opposite...I need God to get through every single day. Losing my bother to addiction, moving, taking in a sibling group of 3, while in the middle of adopting Evie, multiple biological parents leaning heavily on us, and all the trauma these kids had to endure coming out in ugly heartbreaking ways. Amongst other things not listed here. Each moment so full of joy is always mixed with some heartbreak. Oh how I’ve learned there is nothing good in me apart from the goodness of God at work in me. I wake up and have selfish thoughts many days and don’t want to pour out myself another day on the behalf of someone else.....the ONLY way this is possible is because of God. We love because He first loved us. That is it. No other motivation could keep me walking out this calling on the hardest days. The days when I am just. so done. Sometimes I get focused on how hard all this is for me and need a reality check of how hard this is for the girls. 

Friday I was so proud watching K get superintendents honor roll! This girl has amazed me coming from failing and being held back twice to literally being the highest achiever in her class. There is this excitement in her accomplishment, but this heartache in that the person she really wanted to be there in the crowd cheering for her isn’t. Her sister came home from school last week showing me all her schoolwork and pulls out her MLK paper that’s says, ‘I have a dream’ at the top with a fill in the blank and she wrote “I dream that one day it will be safe to go back to my mom”. When she handed it to me she said, “My dream will probably never come true though.” Knowing this is likely the case your heart shatters yet again for a little girls pain that words can’t possibly fix. This week having their bio mom message me and she is having another ‘good streak’ while things have been crumbling all around her for so long and sometimes it’s just too little too late. I spent so much of Friday crying because I think walking with her as she rises and falls over and over brings back the same hope and pain I had watching my brother struggle in his addiction. Having a front seat watching how drugs destroy a person and tear a part the lives of almost everyone around them is almost unbearable ...addiction is one of the closest things to living hell I can imagine. It gets so incredibly heavy watching someone literally losing their life and you just want to scream and shake them to make them stop before it’s too late. Meanwhile decisions have to be made for her girls as someone has to pick up the pieces and life has to go on. These 3 sisters have been with us longer than any foster placement. The ‘baby’ walked into our home as an 18 month old and will walk out as smart sassy 3 year old. I spent so much time hoping for a quicker resolution because I knew with more time would come more pain. The clock is ticking for when they will leave our home forever and pretty much anytime I’m alone and think about it I spend a good while crying over it. Our hearts will break, but it will have been worth it. There is so much to say about their time in our family, but it will have to be a separate post.😅 There are still many unknowns with this case and the past month I don’t even know what to pray for anymore as there is now so much wrapped up in this that no matter what happens somebody gets hurt. I literally just have to pray His will be done. God sees the whole picture and it’s somehow working towards a beautiful end. 

I will keep praying and showing up even when every single day is so hard and I don’t know if I can do this. Day by day God will carry us through just like He did for every single day of the last 495 days since our paths first met. Because I’m telling you this time last year I wouldn’t have believed you if you had told me we’d make it this far. Many of the things I feared most in this case have happened and God was already there making a way when there seemed no way. Conversations I had to have that I made myself lose sleep over and be so stressed about were actually moments Gods presence and plan were more clearly seen. So whatever may come Gods grace will continue to meet us there. There is a battle raging all around, but I know the war is already won. That doesn’t mean we can stop fighting though....people all around desperately needing others praying and interceding on their behalf for God to do what only He can and make beauty from ashes. So stay the course, don’t give up, fix your eyes on Jesus and your mountain may not be moved but God will give you a strength inside of you that you didn’t know you had to climb it. Day by day, sometimes minute by minute, you will get through this. Then one day you’ll look back and realize each day isn’t quite so hard anymore and because of the fire you walked through your understanding of Gods love is so much stronger and purer. Tested and refined by fire and more grounded and rooted in God than ever before. You will be able to look back and thank Him...for even this. The very thing you begged Him to remove you from became the thing that pushed you into the One you needed most. This season has taught me at the end of yourself there really is God. ❤️❤️

Here is the short version of the story of how Evie joined our family.  

To start we were in the middle of pursing an international adoption. Almost finished with home study portion which has to be done before you can be matched with a child. 

The very same day our home study was being completed the boys friends from down the street were at our house playing in the backyard. Sean went down the zip line in our back yard and went at the wrong angle and got a gash on his back from a tree branch. The mother of the boys friends worked in the medical field, so she said she would come look at it and make sure it didn’t need stitches and bring some butterfly bandages and stuff down that I didn’t have on hand. Given she and I had spent time talking in the neighborhood she had never really been into my house, so this wasn’t a regular occurrence. While she was there looking at Sean she asked about how our adoption process was going. I explained our home study would be done today and that we were pursuing a child in the Philippines. SO WHILE she was on my couch talking my phone started ringing and it was our adoption agency. I excuse myself go into the other room and answer and our caseworker says that I might want to sit down, but she has a question for me and wants us to pray over it. She says she knows we were pursuing international adoption, but they just had a 5 year old little girl abandoned by her mother and wanted to know if we would consider taking her! She went on to say they had no other families home study certified (I believe in the whole state) that would consider a child over the age of 3, so they wanted to at least reach out to us. They told me the child’s  name, but really nothing else at that point. I tell her I will call my husband at work to talk to him and then call her back to discuss it further. I call Mason and tell him everything, but I’m not confident what to do as this is such a big decision and so unexpected. Mason always being the steady reasonable one says, “God called us to provide a home and family to a child who needs it...this little girl needs a home right now, so we just say yes and God works out the rest.” So simple to him, but I was going to overthink it to make sure we made the ‘right’ decision. 😜

Meanwhile my neighbor is still in the other room so I go back in there trying to act like nothing happened because at this point it was a private matter and not an appropriate time to just spill everything. She continues talking and says, “Yeah, we were going to do an international adoption and then God just interrupted it when we got a call about a 5 year old girl needing a home locally.” This is referring to their now 17 year old daughter who I knew was adopted but didn’t know the story behind it. Needless to say the hair on my arms started to stand up.😱😱😭There was no doubting for me anymore what God was telling us to do. I called back our agency and told them “yes!”. Afterwards since a name was all I had at this point I thought Evangeline was beautiful and unusual name, so I looked up the meaning of the name and this is what popped up- “bearer of good news” ❤️

I can’t go into the rest of the story of Evie’s life before joining our family it is heartbreaking, but it is part of her story and not mine to tell.  Nor do I have time to explain all the laws on how things like this work, but yes this is legal and the mother has the right to choose private adoption if they still have custody of the child instead of the alternative of them being taken into the foster care system. They also have at least 6 weeks to change their mind and choose to get help and not to place their child for adoption. Evie’s biological mom never changed her mind(and was in a mess with some really bad circumstances with upcoming/pending prison time) and no other biological family member would come forward, so a year later Evie’s adoption was finalized. 

I still remember driving to meet her and bring her home. That day in and of itself was crazy starting with scrambling to get all the paperwork done for us to take guardianship of Evie so quickly, Mason being called out to work, then followed with me having to take another kid to the ER for stitches and having to delay picking Evie up an hour past the scheduled time. The enemy really tried to make that day super stressful but all during it and the drive to and from picking her up I had a peace that could only come from God.. Also, with the adoption happening much quicker than an international adoption timeline we had to have the $20,000 much quicker than anticipated and once again God provided through the generosity of others so that we always had what we needed when we needed it. It has not been all smooth sailing by any means, but I am so grateful we could see Gods hand guiding us all through the process. 

Fixing my eyes.

It’s human nature to want to run from things that are uncomfortable, scary, and hard.  More often than not everything in me has wanted to run from the situations I find myself or my family in when it comes to foster care. Then I remind myself these kids don’t have that choice. They can’t walk away from the brokenness they were born into and as a follower of Christ it’s my calling to walk along side those who need Christ’s love. 

So I read this quote and it made me stop and think:

“Losses can wake you

to the meaningfulness of what was,

& why it deeply mattered,

&  what message you want to live now.”

The loss of my brother through addiction is still a pain my family walks through everyday. It’s a daily reminder of the brevity of life. That death or addiction doesn’t discriminate. I still don’t understand the reason the road had to end the way it did but I’ve come to a place where I can rest in not having that answer. I get to choose whether to be bitter or use this, even this, the very thing that caused so much pain for Gods glory. I trust God is loving and good. I see how much I love my own kids and know God’s love for us, his children, is SO much greater than that...so how could anything He gives us be less than loving and merciful....and who are we to say different? I don’t have to understand it to choose to believe it. 

So the real question I need to be asking isn’t “why God” but what do you want me to do in the wake of our own tragedy?  

I know this....having someone I love dearly be trapped in addiction and seeing the places drugs can take a once loving kind person...gives me a compassion and mercy for the bio parents of kids in my home that I would have never had otherwise. Yes, I can be angry at how they have hurt their children, but I can also give grace for the battle they face. Most of them with a painful background themselves without a loving or supportive family to turn to. I let myself get so weary of the fight and having a front row seat over and over again to how drugs destroy. I know the Bible says to not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will see a harvest. I cling to that because the past 7 years of fostering has been a revolving door of welcoming pain and heartache into our home and I don’t always get to see the fruit of the labor, but have to trust it’s not in vain. Today my heart is heavy for the 3 girls in my home and their other momma. I long so badly to see her find the hope that is in Christ and overcome her addiction and to see the joy of them being reunited. Currently we are headed in the opposite direction and honestly I’ve let fear get too much of my time lately. I’m scared to walk these girls through the pain of the possible road ahead. This is where I have really wanted to turn away and not face this heartache...but I also know God has placed them here for a purpose and if the time comes He will give us all the strength and wisdom to walk this road. God will not lead us where He is not. I also have to focus on the fact that God loves these girls more than I do and He’s not up there wondering how this is all gonna work out. God never leaves a situation broken and messy, so if it’s not ‘good’ then it’s not the end...what I may see as the end will just be the start of something beautiful. God has been so faithful to us through the years so why would I think the future holds anything less. That is something I have to do....look back at God’s past faithfulness to get us through dark times and know whatever comes He is still the same.  The very place I live is one such reminder of God’s grace towards me to surround me with families walking similar paths. I can look all around and know we are not alone in this journey. Pain and heartache are very real, but so is hope! Beauty from ashes. Hope from despair. This is who God is. I’ve seen it over and over. Things may seem dark in the world right now, but God’s light will overcome any darkness. In the meantime abiding in God means I can have real peace and joy in the midst of any circumstance IF I fill my life with God’s truth and promises. I have to fix my eyes on Jesus and make a stand on what I believe no matter what I see. For the Bible tells us that right now we see in part, but one day we will see in full and there will be no more pain, sadness, or sorrow. The coming joy of that day will get me though any day in this world as this is not my home. God IS good and I will praise Him always. 

God is good, I’m not.

It’s now April 2019 and I can look back to just one year ago of April 2018 and be shocked at how much has happened in a seemingly short time. I can also see how I am not even close to the same person I was then. My world has been turned upside down over the last year and with it so has my walk with my Savior. I really get what Paul means when he says this side of eternity we will never obtain perfection or ‘arrive’ in our christian walk, but it is the goal that we continually press on towards Jesus. Sometimes I think I ‘get it’ then life throws curveballs or knocks me off my feet completely and I have to choose to grow my roots down deeper in Gods truth just to hang on.....and sometimes I have to learn some of the same lessons all over again it seems. I have found the past year to be a refining fire in my life...a very very hot fire lol. I’ve been surprised what ugly sides of me can come out when trying to lay down my life for Christ- laying down my dreams of my brother being healed this side of eternity, laying down my plans of ‘only’ having 3 kids, my desires, my time. If I’m honest there are a lot of moments this past year that I have not liked who I am. It’s in this that it has become so clear to me how desperate my need for a savior is. It’s also here that Gods unconditional love and grace towards me amazes me- and changes me. I might have thought I was a ‘good’ person in the past when I tried to keep my life semi comfortable... but I’m finding real character comes out when things get REALLY difficult. Foster care has never been an easy journey for me and I have fought it so many times along the way, but maybe just taking in one extra kid I started to think “I” could handle it.....but add in losing a loved one, moving, selling a house, new town/school, and having 4 new kids living in your home bringing out all their trauma/heartache on you and the ones you love means things can’t be all tied up with a pretty bow. When everyday is a struggle of choosing to persevere in the thing God has called me to do that’s when my selfishness really surfaces. The irony that inviting brokenness into my home is what has really showed me how broken I am. That’s why I can say without a doubt that I am just as in need of the gospel as the addicted bio mom of my girls. In fact most people who think they are ‘good’ are really more in need of a savior than the person who is at rock bottom broken over their sin.  It’s a really dangerous place to be to think you are a ‘good’ person.  Only one was ever truly good and his name was Jesus. 

In myself I. am. not. sufficient. for the task he has asked me to do, but he doesn’t leave me to carry it out alone. In Him we are given love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, kindness, and self- control and because of his continuous work in me I can display these qualities to others. Apart from daily abiding in Him I would become the opposite of these things. I pray I live everyday of my life knowing the price Jesus paid for me- even in my sin- and that I can offer a small reflection of that grace to the people He places in my life. That if Jesus, THE KING, came to serve choosing to spend his days with the outcasts, the misfits, washing dirty feet, and ultimately laying down his life for me then how could I think I deserve to spend my days in comfort or ease. The very kids I might have thought I was ‘saving’ are saving me from myself by pushing me more into my need for Christ. 

Lord, thank you for not leaving me where I was, but for coming to me in my mess.  

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer”Romans 12:12

This season I’ve been in and prayfully am coming out of has been so hard.  I am so grateful for my husband more than ever this past year- his steadfastness when so much felt like it was crumbling meant more to me than he will ever know. ❤️

2018 was a fight for me internally and this battle of proving what I say I believe I actually believe. That I still trust that God is good when things don’t turn out ‘good’. Yes, even when worst case scenario seems to play out. Oh, I’ve been through hard seasons before, but what I walked through last year seemed almost unbearable at times. It wasn’t only the death of my brother it was so much more with this journey of foster care and life that was almost too heavy of a burden to carry. I don’t want to overlook that there were moments of joy this past year, but even in those moments there was this heaviness. I know so many others going through such hard struggles as well and I am thankful I can say Jesus is always faithful..even in those darkest moments.

Fostering for us has always been about Jesus. He is the reason why we do it and how we get through it. 

This is the reality of foster care-“While our ‘flesh’ and the world says pursue comfort and safety at all costs, this means purposefully enduring great cost so others might know comfort and safety. While the world says insulate and isolate your kids from the brokenness of the world around you, foster care means you welcome that brokenness into your family and provide it a safe and loving place to call home. You are flipping the script on everything that is expected and normal – and it’s hard..and beautiful.” 

I can’t unsee the things I have seen and unhear the things I have heard. These kids stories and heartaches keep me up at night and give me a pit in my stomach most days. Then you repeat all this with each new child and each new story. After so many years I had let it all weigh my heart down too much.

But thank you Jesus that weight isn’t mine to carry.....as Jesus already came down to save us from all this mess and gave us the hope of an eternity with him in heaven. Trust me I know that doesn’t make things easy this side of heaven, but that hope is what I can cling to. He also promises us supernatural strength, peace, and, yes, even joy as we walk through hard things. I have experienced it over and over again.

None of this is going to go away. My brother is not coming back and there isn’t going to stop being broken families and abused and neglected children caught in the middle of so much pain- until Jesus returns. BUT I do have all I need in Christ to walk the path he has asked me to walk. It is because of Him and by abiding in Him that I can face whatever lies ahead and still have joy. Thank goodness for JOY- it’s not based on our current circumstances it’s based on what Christ already did for us. So it can’t be taken from me. Praise God for that.

My prayer is that I focus on choosing joy and gratitude in all things and that the Lord keeps refining me through all this....trust me parenting seven kids from all different walks of life is a refining/sanctifying process.....and my goal is to love like He loves, and not expect anything in return. To be more like Jesus should be my only aim. 

And he[Jesus] said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

Even if

It’s been so long since I wrote- devastating and amazing things have happened this year and I’m often torn between the emotions of the two and not wanting one to overshadow the other. Allowing myself to desperately miss my brother and grieve the ending that didn’t come, but also praise God and find joy in this life I’ve been given. It has almost been 4 months since my brother passed. As the months go on the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my relationship with God is let go of my grip on knowing ‘why’ and really believe His ways are higher than mine and that He doesn’t have to explain them to me. Daily I have to say it doesn’t matter if I ever know why my brother wasn’t healed on this side of eternity...because I know you God and that is enough. I know in the end there is nowhere else I would turn and no one else I can run to and oh how God has pursued me and proven himself to me over and over. That doesn’t mean I don’t get mad and I don’t question God, but even through tears I fight for my faith and say, “I trust you still.”

I know with my brothers birthday coming up and the holidays that things are going to get harder before they get easier, but I can say with confidence that His grace is sufficient and His Love is enough......because even now God’s faithfulness has been overwhelming and carried me and provided for us in ways that I could not have fathomed. Our adoption of Evie and our move to Peppers Ranch are a reminder to me of the Bible verse Ephesians 3:20 “to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think”. In the face of devastating loss God prepared in advance miracles that would remind me daily of His amazing goodness. One year ago we started our journey towards our 2nd adoption knowing that it could cost between $20-30k, but taking that step of faith we trusted God would provide. I remember hoping just to get an adoption grant or two to help with the cost....God did abundantly more than that and provided every single penny through generous donations from friends and anonymous  people, receiving 4 adoption grants, and then the tax credit we get back for adoption expenses will have covered all fees. Even in the little things as Evie’s hospital bill for her stitches was about $600 and 2 days prior to receiving the bill we got an unexpected check in the mail for almost the exact amount. It’s crazy to me to think we thought we were going to be giving up so much financially to follow in obedience, but God showed up and poured out more than we dared to even ask. Then there is the opportunity to live at Peppers Ranch...I don’t want to gloss over or minimize how God provided a way for us to live out the desire He placed on our hearts to care for orphans while abundantly being provided for and with the kind of community and support we could have never imagined- it’s too much to even list here. Truly above what we could ask or think. 

Speaking of Peppers Ranch I should also give a short update on our fostering journey. Back in August we accepted placement of siblings- a brother(8yrs) and sister(6yrs). This past week the brother moved on to be with his dad and long story short his sister will be joining him the first week of December. This is due to them being half brother/sister and additional approval being needed to move her since she has no biological relation. The same day we found out our foster son was moving we got a call about 3 sisters that were being picked up and they were having to be separated as there were no homes to keep them together. For me there was some hesitation because the youngest was only 18 months and I wasn’t sure I wanted to go back to the baby stage of having someone home full time with me since Lyla just started school. After praying about it we both agreed we had a peace about saying yes. So this past Thursday they joined our family. They are three amazing girls and have already been a blessing to our family. The ‘baby’ that I was worried about taking on has been such a joy- I seriously love her. She makes allll of us smile a million times a day...and is smothered in love by everyone. Needless to say God is already there- wherever He calls us He is ahead of us working out the details and I’m so grateful for the life we have now because of obedience to God’s call on our life. I know it may sound like a crazy life, but it really is our best life.

Adoption update

I know several of you have asked me in person and others are still wondering what is going on with our adoption process. Here is an update:

Yes, we have had a new little girl living with us for a few weeks now and until we can tell you her name she is known as E😊

Things continue to take a fast pace with E’s case. Her biological mom has already relinquished her rights in court. Due to privacy reasons and to protect E- as this is her story and not one I intend to share all the details of on any public forum- I can’t say too much. We did meet bio mom for the first time earlier this week and pray we can have a continued relationship there in some form. She is firm in her decision to place her child for adoption and not willing to discuss any other options. After hearing more of her story, even though it is such a hard thing to comprehend in her circumstances she is doing what is best for E. No other family that has been contacted is willing to step forward. From the beginning this is honestly not what I had prayed for as it’s heartbreaking on so many levels. We prayed for a change of circumstances for bio mom or for a wonderful family member to come forward for E to be able to stay within family. We do not take adoption lightly and do not go into adoption(or foster care) against the biological family, but root for them. For us this is not simply about wanting to add a child to our family, but God willing to fill in a gap for a child who has no other option. That is now proving to be the case for E.  This is not a foster care adoption, but for legal reasons has to be a private adoption, so there are still many fees associated. Specific prayer needs right now would be for E and her mom as they deal with the emotions of all of this. Also,that we get one of the adoption grants we applied for. If no other family comes forward then we were notified we will take placement the 17th of April- this is basically like guardianship as a child has to have a legal guardian and if no family is willing to do it then we are the agencies next option. The adoption would not be finalized until a waiting period has happened(around 7 months), but the $13,000-14,000 left we will owe in fees are due at placement. It does seem like a lot, but the more I learn I can see how the fees add up. The amount of man hours put into tracking down family and then attorney/lawyer fees to make sure the adoption is necessary, ethical, and legal all add up. Obviously, we didn’t have as long of a time frame to save up, so getting one of these grants would be such a blessing and help us be able to focus our time/attention on helping our daughter heal.

As for our international adoption process we were not so far in that we were fully committed to the Philippines- meaning we hadn’t been matched with a child yet. Our application for our international agency can be placed on hold and picked back up in a couple of years. God willing we could still pursue an international adoption down the road- that’s all an IF because I don’t intend to make plans that far in advance as to what God may or may not do.😉

For now, God has opened a door we did not expect! We will continue to keep our door open in obedience and let our sovereign all knowing God work out all the rest. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

God has been orchestrating the details for us and E long before we knew what would happen. To be in this exact moment at the exact time needed. For E to have a family that God was preparing to be ready to love her and accept her unconditionally right when she needed it. He is faithful.